Frankly, Fox News, what took so damn long?

After months of doing pretty much nothing since he lost his re-election bid to patrick Murphy, Allen West has finally landed himself a job!

In the most obvious hiring of all time, West will become a Fox News contributor, the network announced on Thursday. Because what Fox News needs is more over-reactionary people bashing the president over every little thing he does.

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Rick Scott may have opened the door to what would be quite the dynamic duo of derpness at the top. Scott told a Tampa-area radio station that he would be cool with considering former Rep. Allen West as his next lieutenant governor.

Actually, Scott basically just gave a polite answer when asked about Col. Commie Hunter, but that didn't stop local Democrats from flipping their lid and demanding donations to stop West from filling the vacant seat.

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Allen West is so mad. NAY. OUT. RAGED. at something President Barry Socialist OTrotsky did days ago that Col. West is just tweeting about his outrage today.

Because it's never too late for a heaping serving of FREEDOM STEAK!

Apparently, Obummer proclaimed April 28, 2013, Worker's Memorial Day, in honor of American workers who lost their lives on the job.

Pfffffffffft. Just like a socialist to side with the workers.

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For former House Reps, especially for ones with as recognizable a brand as Allen West, life post-Congress should be a pretty cush gig. Someone out there will pay to hear you talk ($$), or to talk to a TV camera ($$$), or even to talk to your old pals on the Hill in the interest of some earth-maiming industrial concern ($$$$$$). Opportunity is everywhere.

But Ol' Allen has different ideas. He wants you to pay him to talk right back to you. West recently announced he will soon be hosting a online TV show called "Next Generation." The spots will be produced by PJ Media.

"Through Internet TV, social media, live events, outreach programs and newsletters, NextGeneration.TV will be a rallying place where grandparents, parents, and children can come to learn about the challenges facing our nation and to offer possible solutions for a prosperous future," West wrote in a statement on the company's web site. He'll share the platform with co-host Michelle Fields.

Oh, you also have to pay to play: access to Next Generation ranges from 5 bucks a month to a $170 year package. Not too pricey, but we're still a little confused about what you're paying for.

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After many House Republicans lost their shit over Speaker of the House John "It's Not Pronounced Boner" Boehner helped them lose their fight over the fiscal cliff bill that was passed on New Year's Eve, many began to make harrumph noises about whether he was fit for duty.

So when the 113th Congress was sworn in on Thursday, many believed that Boehner's days as the speaker were kaput.

That didn't turn out to be the case. But in a wild and wacky twist of what-mighta-been, outgoing Rep. Allen West actually received some votes for the speakership.

West lost his job back in November when voters decided he was a tad too nutty to represent them. And while Ole Commie Hunter's been out of work (save for the occasional appearance on Fox & Friends to spew his inanity), that didn't stop his GOPer colleagues from voting for him.

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Allen West appeared on Fox & Friends this morning to play the GOPers favorite new game: LET'S BEAT THE WHOLE BENGHAZI THING INTO THE GROUND BECAUSE THAT'S HOW WE ROLL!

West, who should know a thing or two about military scandals and things of that nature, came out and basically said that Secretary of State Hillary Clinton postponed her testimony on the September attack in Libya because she's been battling a case of "Benghazi flu."

This, of course, being a reference to Clinton suffering a concussion after taking a fall over the weekend.

So clever and erudite, that West. It's no wonder he's so beloved.

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After spending craploads of money to win a second term in congress, and then not winning the election, and then having his request for a recount denied because he lawfully didn't have the numbers to get one, and then getting a partial recount only to have that recount reveal that he was down even more votes than originally thought, and then finally conceding to Patrick Murphy, and then proclaiming that he was basically Abraham Lincoln because Abraham Lincoln also lost an election, Allen West is now coming out and saying Patrick Murphy only won because he cheated.

Frankly, West pulling the "I was cheated!" card took a  lot longer than we actually expected. That's some nifty exercising of self control, Colonel! *HIGH FIVE*

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Just because Allen West isn't around to yell COMMIE! at people from his seat in congress, doesn't mean he's not going to stop saying loopy things.

West spoke to NPR's Michel Martin over the weekend to discuss the election and his memories of being in congress.

In the interview, West tells Martin that even though God has closed the door on him in the 18 district, doesn't mean that he isn't destined for awesomeness, because Abraham Lincoln also served in congress for one term.

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As you may have heard, Allen West lost his election battle with Patrick Murphy, as well as math.

But the fine folks at Stand Up Florida want to remind West not to lose his battle with common sense.

On Saturday, local constituents will be putting up a lighted message at Cultural Plaza in downtown Lake Worth telling West to extend the middle-class tax cuts during his lame-duck session.

The brightly lit three-foot by eight-foot sign will read, "WEST: DON'T BE A TAX CUT GRINCH."

Catchy! And festive!

"The sign hangs with the holiday theme," Stand Up's Communications Manager Gayle Faath tells New Times. "But as long as West still has some power, we feel that he needs to do his job."

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About 300 or so Allen West supporters gathered on Monday night for the Allen West Goodbye and Thanks for All the Crazy BBQ.

It was apparently a night of BBQ, thank yous, and obscure military references at his campaign headquarters in Stuart.

West, who finally conceded to Patrick Murphy when he realized that the recount he insisted on actually gave him an even larger margin of defeat, addressed his loyal supporters as only West knows how: by referencing American battles and shoehorning a Revolution-era quote to express... something.

Either way, West won't stop talking. Because real American leaders have voices that never disappear.

"Leaders don't need a title to be able to lead," West told the crowd. "They can continue to stand up for the principles and values that make this the longest-running constitutional republic that the world has ever known. So you will not see my voice disappearing."

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