On Tuesday, the human pustule known as Marlins owner Jeffrey Loria reportedly decided that he was going to be the manager for a day and switched around the scheduled starting Marlins pitchers for a double-header against the Twins.

Now Loria is saying he did not meddle with the Marlins pitching staff. And why would he lie to us about anything? Right? CASE CLOSED.

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The Miami Marlins ganked money from Miami-Dade County, putting them billions of dollars in the hole until the end of time; sold off their best players; tried to sue their own season-ticket holders; and have an owner who's arguably the biggest douche in all of sports.

But they really, really want you to come to their games, and they're gonna give you a butt-ton of free food if they have to.

Because fuck you, Marlins fan.

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Marlins owner Jeffrey Loria took out a full-page ad in the local papers last week titled "Letter to our Fans," (inexplicably, that letter failed to make its way to the New Times!) to explain why he and his team suck so hard. 

The letter was probably the most pedantic, lacking self-awareness, narcissistic trolling ever done by a team owner in the history of sports. It boiled down to basically blaming the media for the reason the Marlins stink, and accusing the media of lying about the team's finances, with Loria taking only a small portion of the blame for the dark endless pit of sadness the Marlins have become.

So, we at New Times thought we'd come up with more ideas for Loria to further troll the fanbase, while thinking the ideas are totally going to smooth things over!:

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Marlins owner Jeffrey Loria has had just about enough of all the criticism and finger-pointing at his taking a giant heaping dump on South Florida and baseball in general, thank you.

So it's time to tell HIS SIDE OF THE STORY.

And so he did. Loria took out a full-page ad in the Sunday editions of the Miami Herald, Palm Beach Post, and Sun Sentinel titled "Letter to Our Fans."

And, predictably, it was filled with the delusional, myopic dipshittery we've all come to know him for.

The letter, we assume, is an intent to smooth things over with fans. Instead, it's just a long-worded creed on how the media tell lying lies and that it's everybody's fault but Jeffrey Loria's. Also, he once signed Pudge Rodriguez. 

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The Miami Marlins held a fan/player meet-and-greet at the Hollywood Dave & Busters last night where they literally could have dressed the guy who hands out prize tickets in a suit and told people he was one of the new players and no one would have batted an eye.

Meanwhile, word from the Miami Herald is that former Gov. Jeb! Bush tried to save us all from Jeffrey Loria by trying to buy the team from him.

And, as you can see from the fact that the Marlins just signed Nick Harker to play catcher, that clearly didn't happen.

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Maybe it was the fact that the team fooled Miami-Dade into building them a ballpark, and now the county is billions of dollars in the hole.

Maybe it was the fact that they swore they wanted to contend while trading away their best players.

Maybe it was that ridiculous rainbow vomit colored new logo.

Whatever it was, the Miami Marlins lost their PR rep Bruce Rubin, who had been with the team for a decade.

So, the team has hired a new PR firm who says the solution is to "communicate with fans."

Yea. Talking it out. That'll fix the abomination that has become this team.

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Well, this seems rather fitting.

The owner of the Marlins, known for insulting the South Florida community by lying and then gutting the ball club, just traded for a guy who is known for insulting the gay community.

It's like assholes just gravitate to each other.

Yunel Escobar, Miami's new shortstop, whom the Marlins got for Jose Reyes, Josh Johnson, Mark Buehrle and Emilio Bonafacio, once wore eyeblack patches that read "Tu Ere Maricon" ("You Are Faggot").

Escobar was suspended three games without pay for the incident. He then apologized and used the ol' I have gay friends! routine.

He also justified the incident by saying that maricon is a meaningless word for Latin ballplayers and that it was just a joke that wasn't meant to be a derogatory message.

Meaningless. You know, like  "that's so gay" or "retard." Same diff!

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After swindling the entire city of Miami, then building their tax-laden $560 million stadium and promising everyone they were going "all in," the Miami Marlins have decided to gut their roster and trade away ace pitcher Josh Johnson, Mark Buehrle, Jose Reyes, John Buck, and Emilio Bonifacio to the Toronto Blue Jays.

There are rumors that pitcher Ricky Nolasco will also be traded.

In return, the Marlins are getting a handful of prospects and the confirmation that team owner Jeffrey Loria is a giant penis-headed dipshit.

The deal is pending league approval, but since Bud Selig doesn't really do anything, there's no doubt it will go through.

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According to John Heyman of CBS Sports, the Miami Marlins have hired former Florida Marlins catcher Mike Redmond to be their next manager to eventually be fired by Jeffrey Loria.

Heyman reports that it's a three-year deal.

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In keeping with the long and storied tradition of blaming the managers and never, ever the decision-making by the ownership and front office, the Miami Marlins have announced that they have fired manager Ozzie Guillen.

Marlins baseball operations President Larry Beinfest released a statement:

"After careful consideration following the disappointment of the 2012 season, we decided to dismiss Ozzie. Our managerial search begins immediately and our hope is that a new manager, along with roster improvements, will restore a winning culture."

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