Memorial Day Beach Etiquette

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Photo by Ian Witlen
Noodle thievery is unacceptable.
Memorial Day is here, and there are currently thousands of South Floridians making their way to the beach. It's a Sunshine State tradition as old as meth and guns.

But just because you don't have to wear a shirt doesn't mean you can treat the beach like your own personal property. There are other people around you, so don't be a dick.

You might be wondering: But, how do I not be a dick?

Well, if you have to ask that question, you're not off to a good start. But if we can teach monkeys sign language, anything is possible. So here are some basic beach etiquette tips to make your Memorial Day (and those around you) more pleasant.

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Fort Lauderale PD Announces Memorial Day Road Closures

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via Flickr/Elvert Barnes
Memorial Day weekend is almost upon us, and the Fort Lauderdale Police Department has announced road closures, in preparation for the Great American Beach Party.

They're also warning folks that they'll be out in force this weekend, making sure people don't act a fool.

Police will be erecting barricades throughout the city to restrict vehicular access in residential areas to "local traffic only." Residents who live in those neighborhoods will likely be asked for ID to be able to drive through the restricted areas.

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Six Best Mother's Day Gifts From The Swap Shop

Categories: Holidays

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Photo by Alex Markow
Let's do a little creative visualization: You are the first mother in the history of the human race. One day, something starts growing inside your uterus, kicking and leaching nutrients for nine months before choosing one of the smallest holes on your body to emerge from. After unimaginable pain, you find yourself holding the tiny and slimy little ball of screaming flesh who put you through this. What do you do?

My instinct tells me to Sigourney Weaver that little alien. Send it out into the cold abyss of space where it belongs.

Good thing I'm not a mother. No, instead that first mother looked at that thing, and rather than grabbing the nearest sharp rock, she loved it.

Since then, mothers around the world have been upholding that tradition and loving their slimy little flesh balls as well, wiping their butts, mouths, and tears (hopefully with different towels) along the way.

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One Man, Two Ridiculous Fake Profiles, and Three Online Dating Sites: Can You Get a Valentine's Date Online?

Categories: Holidays

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Photo by Muramasa via Wikipedia Commons
It seems everything these days is in danger of being rendered useless by the internet. The mighty blue Blockbuster fell to Netflix. Bookstores were chewed up and spit out by Amazon. And now the U.S. Postal Service's only job is to make sure Chris Christie never runs out of Oreos.

It makes sense that dating would be next on the list. Talking to actual people makes mailing letters look like fun. Yet the world of online dating is still, at best, weird.

But is it really that bad? Surely every online encounter doesn't end with Chris Hansen and a camera crew. Is it possible to find love online? Or, at the very least, a Valentine's Day date?

I tried to find out.

See also: Top Ten Pickup Spots in Palm Beach County


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Your Annual Reminder to Not Fire a Gun Into the Air Tonight

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Hi. Hello. How are you? Happy New Year.

Oh, and by the way, please do not fire a gun into the air at the stroke of midnight tonight.

It happens every year. We mean, every year.

So we're here with our annual reminder to not do that, because it's dumb.

Seriously, the old year ends, the new one begins, and people suddenly turn into Mexican bandits from an old Western and fire their pistolas into the air in celebration, not accounting for the fact that GRAVITY IS A THING and that the bullets do come back down.

And then innocent people die or get seriously injured.

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AAA Offers Free Towing for New Year's Eve

Categories: Holidays

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Sam Howzit via Flickr creative commons
Well, that's really nice! AAA auto club, in partnership with Bud Light, is offering free tow truck services for drunk people tonight.

It's part of the "Tow to Go" program that they offer on alcohol-centric holidays like Cinco de Mayo and Super Bowl Sunday. They say it's gotten 22,000 drivers off the roads since 1998.

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Seven New Year's Resolutions for Florida

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Photo by NASA via Wikipedia Commons
2014 is right around the corner, and with every new year comes the familiar ritual of broken promises known as "New Year's Resolutions." Sure, by January 3, we're usually back to eating chocolate and smoking cigarettes, but that doesn't mean we shouldn't try.

And if there's one state in this great nation that needs some help in 2014, it's Florida. So pay attention, because these are your New Year's resolutions.

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Florida Celebrities: What They Did for Christmas (Feat. Vanilla Ice, Donald Trump, Serena Williams and More)

Categories: Holidays

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Why, it was just a couple of years ago that we had to wait for the paparazzi's film to get developed, for magazines to be shipped off to the printer, and then wait for the mailman to bring our People magazine to find out that stars -- they're just like us on Christmas! Nowadays, this knowledge is instant. Thanks, Twitter and Instagram!

Here's what a few of our favorite South Florida characters were up to this holiday:

Donald Trump compared himself to Pope Francis:




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Florida Grinches Rob Kids' Christmas Presents

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And now, for a special Floriderp: Holiday Edition story.

Three Grinches almost ruined Christmas for one family when they robbed gifts from under their tree.

Of course, they could have gotten away with it if they had just heeded simple traffic rules.

Like, obeying a stop sign or two or three, for instance.

Also, they crashed into a brick wall trying to flee police. So there's that.

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Satanic Temple Not Allowed to Put Holiday Display in Florida Capitol

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The Satanic Temple of Florida
The Satanic Temple of Florida is inexplicably getting the shaft from the state's Department of Management Services, keeping the group from putting up its holiday display in the Florida Capitol rotunda.

The DMS claims to be open to any group or person who sends in an application and follows its specific guidelines and restrictions so it could have its holiday display go up in the rotunda along with a Nativity scene.

Just last week, Deerfield Beach resident and self-proclaimed "militant atheist" Chaz Stevens made headlines when he placed a Festivus Pole made of beer cans in the rotunda. Another atheist group put up a Spaghetti Monster next to the Baby Jesus.

The Satanic Temple, based in Tallahassee, was all set to put up its display and had even received an email from the DMS giving it the go-ahead. Then, it received an email of rejection, calling the display "grossly offensive."

See also: "Festivus Pole" Made of Beer Cans Approved; Will Go Up in Florida Capitol Next to Jesus' Manger

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