Florida High Schoolers Sue School District, Sheriff's Office for Missing Prom

via Facebook
Morgan Kleabir got to spend only five minutes at her high school prom -- not even long enough to take a selfie.
Prom is a time to create either precious memories or future therapy fodder, depending on what clique you run with. But for a group of Jensen Beach High School girls, the event was reason to craft a bizarre lawsuit and file it in federal court.

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Jordan Garnett, Rising 22-Year-Old Boynton Beach Comedian, to Open for Jen Kirkman This Weekend

Reid Garnett
Six comedians took the stage this past Tuesday at Aroma's Hookah Lounge in Wellington. Some were young -- one, actually, was on the stage for his time ever -- while others were 40, 50 years old like Perry Sak and Terry Wayne. South Florida comedy veterans. They were all, however, booked by one man: 22-year-old Jordan Garnett, a rising South Florida comedian who has hosted and booked Tuesday comedy nights at the hookah joint since April of this year, booking a fresh six each week.

This weekend, he's opening for the New Times approved Jen Kirkman on Friday and for Mark Viera on Saturday and Sunday at the Palm Beach Improv.

Over the last six months, Garnett, a short, spiky haired blonde with frenzied energy, has gone from an aspiring stand-up artist (he even mimicked Chris Rock's Never Scared comedy special for a 7th grade book report) to a full-time host and comedian, responsible for booking two comedy shows every week at two different clubs (Papa's Raw Bar on Monday's is all his, too) and performing stand-up most other nights, often times at places like the Funky Buddha Lounge in Boca Raton.

"I don't have a lot of bills, and my grandma still pays my cell phone bill," he says. "But I am seeing it progressing. Me two years ago? Completely different story. We wouldn't be here right now."

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Joy Taylor: South Florida's Female Sports Radio Host

Categories: Hilarity

Photo courtesy of The Ticket Miami
Brendan Tobin (left), Joy Taylor, and Jonathan Zaslow make up a wacky radio show that is unlike any other in town.

Has Mr. Horner lost his way to the house under the hill? Is old blind Bob having trouble finding the harbor of hope? Oh, don't despair. It's time for Just the Tips with the queen of concupiscence, Joy Taylor.

Jonathan Zaslow: Just the Tips, we do it every week at this time where Joy Taylor has your dating and sex advice, if you need, you send in your questions using #justthetips. All right, here's a question on the Plumbers 911 text line. "Joy, dude, I have a hot girlfriend, but she farts like a wild hog in her sleep. Should I confront her about it?"

Joy Taylor: Whoa. Ah, that's tough. Women are weird about the farting, like I've never farted in my entire life. Nor have I gone No. 2, so it's a problem I can't really relate to but, yeah, if you've got a sleep farter, you've either gotta suck it up or you gotta break up with her. Because once you tell her that she farts in her sleep, she's gonna be so mad at you. Like, first of all she's going to tell you you're a straight-up liar if she's smart. And then it's just gonna be awkward, so yeah, you've gotta deal with it or break up.

Zaslow: Man, she's giving him those Dutch ovens.

Taylor: *cackling laughter*

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Lil Terrio, Child Vine Star, Debuts Music Video to End Rap Music

via YouTube
Every Memorial Day, thousands of people flock to South Beach for a celebration of hip-hop culture. But just before the weekend-long festival kicked off, rap kicked the bucket. Remember when you had to rap to be a rapper? Those days are officially over, even if none of the Urban Beach Week-end warriors seem to have noticed.

Lil Terrio, the seven-year-old Georgian who became famous on the video-looping service Vine, now has a music video. Shot outside of Grand Central nightclub in downtown Miami, "Ooh Kill Em" relies on all kinds of acrobatics and camera wizardry to play up the goofy move Terrio's known for.

See also: TerRio's Dance Blew Up the Internet, But What's It Doing to the Kid?

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Johnny Manziel Restraining Order Filed in Florida Is A Hilarious Hoax

Categories: Hilarity, Sports
via Wikimedia Commons
A sexual harassment lawsuit filed in Florida against former Texas A&M star and current Cleveland Browns rookie QB Johnny Manziel has turned out to be a hoax, but is nonetheless hilarious.

The restraining order was filled by a person using the name Samantha Schacher, who is an HLN contributor and co-host on Dr. Drew On Call.

The lawsuit was posted on the internet on Friday morning, and quickly went viral. Mostly because of some of the ridiculous, albeit funny, claims.

And by "claims," we mean, she complains about him having a very small penis.

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Brooklyn Nets Website URL Directs Readers to the Heat's Official Website

Categories: Hilarity, Sports

The Miami Heat's second-round opponent was finally decided Sunday when the Brooklyn Nets eked by the Toronto Raptors in a 104-103 Game 7 victory.

The Nets took down Miami in all four of their regular season games this season, lending to the narrative that the Heat are now in big, big trouble after having swept the Charlotte Bobcats in the first round.

But it looks like the Heat already have a leg up on Brooklyn, because if you type in Nets.com into your browser, it'll take you to the Heat's official NBA website.

Oh, the shenanigans.

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Our Cover Story: Meet Anwar Zayden, South Beach Wild Man and Internet Celebrity

Categories: Hilarity

This week in the print edition of New Times, we introduce you to one of South Florida's most colorful characters, Anwar Zayden.

For nearly four decades, Zayden has been a player on the local scene; by day a humble businessman with a frame store in Kendall, he's also a former sex icon, model, friend to celebrities and stars, sportsman, jetpack rider, boat aficionado, lover, and, most recently, internet celebrity.

See also: Anwar Zayden: The Hero the Internet Needs

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Rep. Bill Young Is Dead, According to Twitter (His Office Says He's Still Alive)

Categories: Hilarity, News

Twitter killed Rep. Bill Young.

Young, who just last week announced his retirement and who was recently admitted to a hospital, is still very much alive. Although "gravely ill," according to his office.

But, according to several tweets -- some from credible news sources -- Young has died.

Except, he hasn't?

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Did LeBron's Miami Mistress Try to Crash His Wedding?

Categories: Hilarity

lebron lelbron bomb.jpg
LeBron and the newly minted Mrs. James are honeymooning right now in Italy, no doubt hanging out in coastal villas, riding through the countryside on white colts, bathing in 100-year-old wines, and doing whatever else the 1 percent does when they're on a European vacation.

But as we already told you, LeBron's personal life doesn't appear to be as squeaky-clean as advertised. Some embarrassing texts to a Miami bikini model leaked last month. And now, reports are swirling around the web that a LeBron ladyfriend tried to crash the hoop legend's San Diego wedding.

See also: LeBron James Got Married This Weekend; Here Are Texts He Sent to a Miami Bikini Model Last Month

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Dolphins Fans Start #DolphinsSitcoms Hashtag on Twitter; Hilarity Ensues

Categories: Hilarity, Sports

Twitter. It's made for comedy gold.

The Miami Dolphins. Also made for comedy gold.

So it's only natural to combine the two.

And that's exactly what Dolphins fans have decided to do on this work-weary hump day.

To celebrate the Fins' perpetual mediocrity, Dolphins fans @ben01 playfully tweeted about the team's quarterback situation and hashtagged it #DolphinsSitcoms. And, sure enough, an avalanche of funny shit followed.

"I said that I felt [QB] Pat Devlin would get cut leaving us with 'Tanny & The Puppet,'" @ben01 told New Times, referencing Ryan Tannehill and backup QB Matt "The Puppet" Moore.

"Sounded like a sitcom name."

You can see the entire thread here.

After the jump, you can see our Top 15 favorites.

See also: Miami Dolphins Logo: 15 New Choices

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