Our Cover Story: Meet Anwar Zayden, South Beach Wild Man and Internet Celebrity

Categories: Hilarity

This week in the print edition of New Times, we introduce you to one of South Florida's most colorful characters, Anwar Zayden.

For nearly four decades, Zayden has been a player on the local scene; by day a humble businessman with a frame store in Kendall, he's also a former sex icon, model, friend to celebrities and stars, sportsman, jetpack rider, boat aficionado, lover, and, most recently, internet celebrity.

See also: Anwar Zayden: The Hero the Internet Needs

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Rep. Bill Young Is Dead, According to Twitter (His Office Says He's Still Alive)

Categories: Hilarity, News

Twitter killed Rep. Bill Young.

Young, who just last week announced his retirement and who was recently admitted to a hospital, is still very much alive. Although "gravely ill," according to his office.

But, according to several tweets -- some from credible news sources -- Young has died.

Except, he hasn't?

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Did LeBron's Miami Mistress Try to Crash His Wedding?

Categories: Hilarity

lebron lelbron bomb.jpg
LeBron and the newly minted Mrs. James are honeymooning right now in Italy, no doubt hanging out in coastal villas, riding through the countryside on white colts, bathing in 100-year-old wines, and doing whatever else the 1 percent does when they're on a European vacation.

But as we already told you, LeBron's personal life doesn't appear to be as squeaky-clean as advertised. Some embarrassing texts to a Miami bikini model leaked last month. And now, reports are swirling around the web that a LeBron ladyfriend tried to crash the hoop legend's San Diego wedding.

See also: LeBron James Got Married This Weekend; Here Are Texts He Sent to a Miami Bikini Model Last Month

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Dolphins Fans Start #DolphinsSitcoms Hashtag on Twitter; Hilarity Ensues

Categories: Hilarity, Sports

Twitter. It's made for comedy gold.

The Miami Dolphins. Also made for comedy gold.

So it's only natural to combine the two.

And that's exactly what Dolphins fans have decided to do on this work-weary hump day.

To celebrate the Fins' perpetual mediocrity, Dolphins fans @ben01 playfully tweeted about the team's quarterback situation and hashtagged it #DolphinsSitcoms. And, sure enough, an avalanche of funny shit followed.

"I said that I felt [QB] Pat Devlin would get cut leaving us with 'Tanny & The Puppet,'" @ben01 told New Times, referencing Ryan Tannehill and backup QB Matt "The Puppet" Moore.

"Sounded like a sitcom name."

You can see the entire thread here.

After the jump, you can see our Top 15 favorites.

See also: Miami Dolphins Logo: 15 New Choices

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Florida Man Shoots "Buttwater" in the Funniest Video You'll See Today

Categories: Hilarity

Nobody was hurt in the filming of this video.
His name is Vulture. And he has the most incredible party trick this side of that one guy who could turn water into wine.

It's called "buttwater," and while entirely infantile and moronic, this is just about the coolest and funniest thing we've seen in a looooong time.

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Guantanamo Bay Prison Reviewed on Google, Gets 2.8 Stars

Categories: Hilarity

CC Wikipedia/Geo Swan
Not as fun as it looks.
Prisons don't often come to mind when searching for online reviews, yet the Guantanamo Bay detention camp has plenty, with 30 out of the 47 total Google reviews coming in the last week alone, and averaging a rating of 2.8 out of 5 stars.

It's not clear what prompted this recent string of not-so-rave reviews, but most of them appear sarcastic in nature towards the accommodations at the facility in Cuba, which was built by the U.S. Government in 2002 to house those foreign detainees suspected of being terrorists.

See Also: Obama Administration Urged to Halt Force-Feeding of Prisoners, Mos Def Subjects Himself To It In Protest (VIDEO)

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Jeb Bush Calls Matt Damon a Hypocrite

Photo by Gage Skidmore/Wikimedia Commons
Jeb Bush took to Twitter Monday night to accuse Matt Damon of limousine-liberal hypocrisy after the actor told the Guardian he would not be sending his children to public school.

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Vitaly Zdorovetskiy, "Miami Zombie"/"Russian Hitman," Conquers South Florida YouTube

Categories: Hilarity

Courtesy of Vitaly Zdorovetskiy
Don't worry. It's just Nutella.
On a sunny afternoon, a rotund, tall man named Andre Brown had just stepped out of his Boca Raton apartment when a bronze-haired stranger approached him wearing a black suit, leather gloves, and an expression stitched with alarm. "Are you who I'm supposed to talk to?" the man asked in a heavy Russian accent, as he set down a briefcase and backed away. "You have 60 seconds!" the Russian yelled. "You have 60 seconds!"

It's a bomb! Brown thought, looking at the case at his feet.

"We gotta run!" the apparent Russian hit man shouted, taking cover beside a clay-colored building. Confused and terrified, Brown sprinted after him. But then, just as they were about to take off running again, the hit man pointed at a cameraman standing across the street and laughed. "You're on camera!"

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James Tracy, FAU Conspiracy Theorist, Challenges Sun Sentinel To A Debate

Categories: Hilarity

Well this one just got weird.

FAU Professor James Tracy, who's theorized both the Boston Bombing and the Sandy Hook shootings were staged by the government, has now challenged the Sun Sentinel to a debate because he's butt-hurt over the backlash.

Tracy didn't specify how, exactly, an individual could conceivably debate a multi-pronged institution of drivers, factory workers, reporters, editors, security guards, advertisers, marketers, and that guy who walks around the parking lot and makes sure everything's chill.

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Ronald French, Convicted Ponzi Scammer, Had Hilarious Italian Movie Career (VIDEO)

Categories: Hilarity

Ronald French was apparently a Renaissance man of the highest form.

After graduating from FAU several years ago he bounced across the ocean and became not only a high-flying model, but also a hilariously boring and good looking actor in Italian made-for-TV movies, the most famous of which was Matrimonio alle Bahamas -- Wedding in the Bahamas.

Oh yeah, and French is also a convicted Ponzi scam artist because he conned family members out of their life savings, pocketed $10 million, and bought a house in Rome, luring in an Italian actress girlfriend. Yesterday, a federal judge in West Palm Beach sentenced him to 10 years in prison, calling him a "junior Bernie Madoff."

Ronald French: beautiful on the inside AND on the outside.

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