Fort Lauderdale Officials' Response to The Onion's Satirical Portrayal Is An Epic Fail

Categories: Ft. Laudy
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Satirical/fake news website The Onion released a satirical/fake news piece on Ft. Lauderdale on Thursday that is not sitting well with local officials. 

"Obama Speechwriters Unsure How They'd Praise Fort Lauderdale In Event Of Tragedy," is being met with sour grapes and bad jokes from the likes of Fort Lauderdale Mayor John P. "Jack" Seiler and City Manager Lee Feldman.

So they responded in kind. 

And failed miserably at it.

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Walmart Might Be Coming to Fort Lauderdale to Spread Its Walmartness Everywhere

Categories: Ft. Laudy
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Walmart wants to spread its awfulness Walmartness on a seven-acre site on the southwest corner of Andrews Avenue and Sunrise Boulevard in Fort Lauderdale, according to a Miami Herald report.

So now those who live in Fort Lauderdale won't have to travel to Miami anymore when they need to buy a lamp, a candle, a wig, some house paint, giant boxes of Ritz, $3 sweatpants, batteries, and some peanut butter all at the same time anymore.

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Electronic Streetcar Coming to Broward County

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A Streetcar Named "The Wave" will operate via overhead electrical wires and batteries.

Streetcars conjure up visions of San Francisco, New Orleans, Uncle Ben's Rice, and that Marlon Brando movie where he pleads for his wife to return to him after he beats her.

But now, it will also conjure up downtown Fort Lauderdale and, also, the future, because the Broward County Commission has unanimously approved an electronic streetcar "of the future" that will run through the downtown Fort Lauderdale area by 2016.

Does "of the future" mean that the streetcars will fly around buildings, like in The Jetsons?

No.

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EXXXotica Is Moving to Fort Lauderdale

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Fort Lauderdale is about to get an influx of people from across the country who love to watch other people do it.

Because after eight straight years of porno-ing it up in Miami Beach, the annual EXXXotica sex porn thing expo is hitting up the Broward County Convention Center.

Featuring hundreds of adult performers, exhibitors, a full schedule of seminars, and world-class entertainment acts, EXXXotica is the place to be if watching people bang on the internet just isn't enough.

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Fort Lauderdale May Lift Alcohol Ban on Beaches

Categories: Ft. Laudy
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Going to Fort Lauderdale beach can be quite awesome.

Not so awesome, however, is the ban of allowing alcohol on the beach.

Sitting on the sand by the water is an activity that needs to be done with booze, damn it!

But there seems to be some good news on the horizon as commissioners are planning to propose allowing A1A beachfront restaurants to sell alcohol and allow people to take drinks onto the beach for proper consumption.

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Boil-Water Notice Is Up for Parts of Fort Lauderdale

Categories: Ft. Laudy
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A water main broke at the intersection of NW 31st Avenue and NW 26th Street in Fort Lauderdale, and now Broward County Water and Wastewater Services is advising folks to boil their water from now until at least Saturday.

So, if you live anywhere between NW 31st Avenue to the west, NW 26th Street to the north, NW 26th Avenue, NW 22nd Street, and NW 24th Avenue to the east; and NW 19th Street to the south, you should be boiling your water before drinking it, cooking with it, or using it to wash up.

Or stock up on Zephyrhills and use that to wash up. Fancy!


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