Cops: Michael Nicholas Russo And His Accomplice Texted Each Other After Mugging Two Ladies

Categories: FloriDUH
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Yo, I'm like a super criminal mastermind, bro
Nineteen-year old Michael Nicholas Russo was arrested by Palm Beach County cops last night and charged with mugging two elderly women last April with a buddy of his. What finally cracked the case? Russo's alleged accomplice, Adam Bardisa's iPhone had text messages from the two about the crime:
"Yo how bout my mom just me on the news on a scooter robbing 2 old ladies and there opening an investigation...Bro wtf!"
The correspondence wasn't exactly John Dillinger-esque.

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Jennifer Carroll Lesbian Fling Case: Five of the Weirdest Unanswered Questions

Categories: FloriDUH
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An office credenza: An accomplice in Carroll's alleged gay fling in the Capitol.
Everybody is getting their collective jimmies rustled over the allegations that Lt. Gov. Jennifer Carroll was caught having a lesbian liaison with aide Bibi Ramos and then fired Carletha Cole, the woman who discovered them. Everyone's honed in on the lady-on-lady action, but there are way, way shadier things going on than scandalous allegations of cunnilingus. Here are five(ish) questions that are way more interesting than "does the lieutenant gov like the ladies?"

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The Week in Crazy: Get Your Coulter, Limbaugh, Trump Fix Here

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Midas touch, really?
South Florida is crawling with famous crazy people. Who has time to keep up with all their yammering? Behold, the weekly roundup:

-- Wellington resident Vanilla Ice plays himself in the new Adam Sandler movie That's My Boy, which opens today. As Twitter commenter @ryan_derosa noted, "Every show I watch @vanillaice is on it now."

-- Palm Beach blowhard Rush Limbaugh called the president "Barack Hussein Kardashian."
Rednecks everywhere are now furiously Googling Kourtney and Kim.

-- Fellow Palm Beacher Ann Coulter called Mitt Romney  "The Midas Touch Man," raising questions about what exactly he's touching.


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Parents Hate "Parent Empowerment" School Bill, So Why Does It Exist?

The bill would convert public schools to charters.
A bizarre showdown is unfolding in Tallahassee this week. Advocates for parents -- including the Florida PTA and Parents Across America --  are lobbying vehemently against a bill that's supposed to "empower them."

The proposed legislation would let parents vote to turn a failing public school into a charter school. Opponents say SB 1718, the "Parent Empowerment in Education" bill, is a thinly veiled attempt to expand charters in a state where the for-profit charter school business is already booming.

"This bill is a hoax to further privatize our public schools," Rita Solnet, a Palm BeachMore »

Jon Stewart to Florida: "You're Lucky We Even Let You Vote at All"

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Florida is shaped like a...
Last night, Jon Stewart focused his beloved comic lens on the Florida GOP's recent decision to move its presidential primary date up from March to January. The Daily Show host gleefully ripped the state a new one for having the audacity to seek more power over the electoral process. And yes, he brought up hanging chads.

"If there's one state that's gonna start a dick-swinging contest, it's hardly surprising it's the one shaped like a dick," Stewart said. 

"C'mon, Florida! After all the trouble you've caused us, Florida. Previous elections... you
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Florida's New Laws: Buttcheeks at School Bad, Clove Cigarettes Good

Categories: FloriDUH
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r8pl8z.com
It's hard to keep up with all of the valuable legislation being signed into law by Gov. Rick Scott, so we've got the rundown of a few you might have missed:

State Sen. Gary Siplin finally got his wish -- no more asses hanging out at public schools.

Siplin has been trying to pass his "droopy drawers" law for years, and now it's on the books that repeat offenders of derriere exposition can face suspensions.

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Gov. Rick Scott Makes It Official: You Have Only Four Months to Legally Have Sex With Animals

Categories: FloriDUH
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flixya.com
Sad news today for all of Florida's horse-humpers and goat-gropers -- you have only four more months to have sex with animals.

Gov. Rick Scott today signed the Legislature's anti-bestiality bill -- Senate Bill 344 -- which makes it illegal for humans to get jiggy with other members of the animal kingdom beginning October 1.

This was actually the third attempt by the Legislature to ban barnyard bangin', since legislators were convinced they were wasting their time on something that never happens.

Think again.

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Tax Money Siphoned Off to Religious Schools That Champion Theocracy

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Jesus is big in Florida.
At the moment, the only proper school voucher program in Florida is the McKay Scholarship Program, which caters to special-needs kids. (A proposal for a more general voucher program was struck down in the Legislature six years ago.) But if you've got a nonspecial child, no money, and a burning desire to send your kid to a private school where she'll learn that Darwinism is right next door to Nazism or that dinosaurs were killed off by the Great Flood, then you've got options. (Remember: Whenever God closes a door, He opens a window.)

These options arise primarily thanks to Step Up for Students, which allows Florida corporations to channel money that would otherwise go to taxes into scholarships that work precisely like vouchers. Last year, according to a disturbing story that appeared today at Alternet, $140 million was disbursed through Step Up for Students, along with a few smaller (but very similar) programs. Of the students who take advantage of these funds, three quarters find themselves in schools with a religious bent to their teaching.

How religious?

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Okeechobee Zombie Apocalypse Plan Timed Perfectly for Actual Apocalypse

Categories: FloriDUH
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The end of the world is supposed to come today, and if it does, it's a safe bet it'll somehow involve zombies.

If so, head to Okeechobee, where the Emergency Operations Center director prepared a 75-page plan on how to respond to a "zombie apocalypse."

Mike Faulkner told the Okeechobee News that his plan, replete with organizational charts and orders for every local resident and government agency on how to react, was simply a weekend project in preparing for disasters. Faulkner has since left for greener pastures at -- where else? -- FEMA. But his plan has taken off on the net, linked from Twitter and Facebook and soon, I'm sure, the subject of late-night talk shows.

Faulkner's zombie apocalypse has some good lessons for those who might soon face the undead. Such as:

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Sleep With 16-Year-Olds, Get 30 Years. 15-Year-Olds? Probation!

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Harvey
I hope Denise Harvey is too preoccupied with her own ongoing legal to dramas to keep abreast of the ones unfolding back home. Remember Denise? She was the 42-year-old Vero Beach baseball mom who was sentenced to 30 years in prison for sleeping with a 16-year-old. Thusly sentenced, she did what any sane person would do: She hit the road. Early this year, authorities found her hiding out in Saskatchewan, where she's now fighting extradition. She may win. Good for her! (And bad for her bail bond company. Just yesterday, Barnett Bail Bands coughed up $150,000 on Harvey's account.)

If she's keeping abreast of the goings-on in Florida, what might she make of this story, published in Tuesday's Sun-Sentinel: "Drummer gets probation for sex with teen girl from band camp"?

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