Florida Woman Left Five Kids at Home With No Food While She Gambled

Categories: Floriderp

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A Pompano Beach woman was arrested after she left five kids unattended without food at a home that reeked of urine and feces while she went to hit up the slots at a local casino.

The kids were between the ages of 2 and 12, according to the legal complaint filed by the Broward Sheriff's Department.

Four of the kids were hers, and one was her grandchild. Hernandez is 34 years old.

A neighbor was able to tip police when they noticed some of the kids walking around the neighborhood asking for food.

Yeesh.

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80-Year-Old Florida Man Is Catfished by Prostitute, Gets Mugged

Categories: Floriderp

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Photo by seedfeeder via Wikipedia Commons
An 80-year-old man from Century Village in Deerfield Beach expecting to hook up with a female prostitute he met online instead was met by a man and then got robbed.

According to Boca Raton Police, the man had met a hooker named "Amy" on the internet. The two made plans to get together at the Quality Inn at 2899 N. Federal Highway on Sunday afternoon.

When the man arrived at the hotel, he saw "Amy" dressed in a leopard-print leotard. The man told police that once the two got inside "Amy's" room, something didn't feel right.

Maybe because "Amy" was actually a dude named "Frank."

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Florida Man Angry About Burger King Order Arrested for Impersonating a Cop

Categories: Floriderp

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Palm Beach County Sheriff's Office
A Palm Beach man was arrested for impersonating a police officer after he angrily told a Burger King drive-thru worker he was a cop when they messed up his order.

The man, Riviera Beach Police say, was so upset about getting the wrong order, he refused to leave the drive-thru lane. When employees threatened to call police unless he left, he told them he was the police.

But, turns out 38-year old Austin Schoor isn't a cop. So, he was arrested.

See also: Florida Man Arrested For Pretending to be a Cop to Get Discounted Dunkin' Donuts

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Florida Man Attacks Girlfriend's Ex-Husband With Grim Reaper Blade

Categories: Floriderp

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Palm Beach County Sheriff's Office
A West Palm Beach man allegedly attacked another man with a scythe, which is pretty much the same kind of curved blade the Grim Reaper carries around to take you to the other side.

Carlos Vasquez, 24, is now facing charges of aggravated assault with a deadly weapon after he came at the alleged victim, Kevin Coleman, when Coleman came to pick up his daughter at his ex-wife's home, according to a police report.

See also: Man Named Johnnie Blade Arrested for Allegedly Waving Around Klingon Sword

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Boca Man Takes KKK Flag Down After Wife Makes Him

Categories: Floriderp

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Remember that racist in Boca who brazenly flew a Ku Klux Klan flag, along with a Confederate flag outside his home and was all, nobody is gonna make me take down this flag because white people need to stop marrying black people! and was invoking his God-given right as an American to do so?

Well, looks like his rights pretty much begin and end with not so much God or America but with his wife, because she made him take the flag down.

And he did.

Even racists have to answer to their ol' ball 'n' chain, eh, Goebbels?

See also: Boca Man Flies KKK Flag and Noose Outside of Home

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Florida Man Has Sex With Pit Bull as Neighbors Beg Him to Stop

Categories: Floriderp

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Here's a story both quite Florida and quite repulsive.

On Wednesday morning, a Florida man apparently decided What the hell, I'm just going to go ahead and bang my dog on my front yard.

So, in broad morning daylight, for all to see, the man dropped his trousers and began having sex with his dog.

When ya get that itch, whatta ya gonna do? NOT have sex with a dog?

See also: Florida Man Can't Stop Having Sex With Dogs

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Boca Man Flies KKK Flag and Noose Outside of Home

Categories: Floriderp

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A Boca Man is exercising his right to be a total racist by flying a Ku Klux Klan flag and a Confederate flag outside his mobile home (because, of course he lives in a trailer home).

The man is also displaying a "Members Wanted" sign and has a noose hanging in his yard.

Neighbors are obviously outraged at the man, who identifies himself only as Mr. Hayes.

Hayes says that he started flying the flag a couple of weeks ago and tells Local 10 News that the response has been mostly positive. We're guessing the positive response is coming from other racists. Racists gotta stick together, ya know!

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Florida Man With Spider Tattoo on His Face Is Now Wanted by Police

Categories: Crime, Floriderp

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Last week, our sister paper had a story about a Florida man so terrified of spiders, he decided to get a giant tattoo of one on his face.

As a sort of inked-up reverse psychology that he'll probably regret when he's an old man. Or when he tries to grow a beard.

Well, now there's an important update on Spider-Face Guy: He's being sought by police because he's wanted on a felony charge.

It shouldn't take cops long to get to him, unless he disappears into a crowd of people with giant spider tattoos on their faces. Then the cops are totally screwed.

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Marissa Alexander Is About to Get Screwed by Florida's Ridiculous Gun Laws

Categories: Floriderp, Gunz!

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Marissa Alexander
Marissa Alexander, the Florida woman who was arrested for firing a warning shot to ward off her abusive estranged husband, may now be looking at 60 years in prison because of a weird law that would add 20 years to each charge.

The Florida Times-Union is reporting that the Office of State Attorney Angela Corey will try to put Alexander in prison for what amounts to life.

Why? Because this is Florida, where it's totally cool to shoot and kill an unarmed black kid walking around with a bag of Skittles.

But totally NOT cool to fire a warning shot, harming no one, so that you don't get beat up by a serial domestic abuser. THAT'S WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE DOWN HERE.

See also: Florida Legislator Wants People to Be Allowed to Fire Warning Shots

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The Six Dumbest Florida Criminals for February

Categories: Floriderp
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Ah, Florida.
 

Sure, we have criminals, just like every other state.

But we have our own special kind of criminals. Namely, dumb ones.

And, because we're never in short supply of dumb criminals, we present to you our latest series of the dumbest Florida criminals of the month.

February was a special kind of dumb for Florida criminals.

So sit back, relax, and enjoy the stupid!

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