Jose Canseco, batshit former MLB player, steroid a aficionado and noted time traveler, took to Twitter today to announce that he had been charged with rape.

The first tweet read as Canseco breaking the news to his own rape accusation, which is all kinds of mettamoron:

"Breaking news this is a first folks las vegas police was just at my house i have been charged with rape by a [REDACTED] from las vegas"

-- Jose Canseco (@JoseCanseco) May 22, 2013

We redacted the name of the woman in question to hide her identity. Also, Canseco has since deleted the tweet, although this is far from over.

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Twitter -- the world-shaking social media platform that toppled an Egyptian government and organized social causes from Trayvon Martin to gay marriage -- is great for public shaming. Boyfriend cheats, blast his ass with 140-characters. Bad service at a hot spot? Spill to the Twitterverse. One LA restaurant is now even broadcasting the names of skipped reservations. It's like the 21st Century version of a town-square pillory -- everyone point and laugh at the offender.

Starting today, the Boynton Beach Police Department is hoping to slow drivers down in school zones with Twitter shame.

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What, this? Just an artisan vase.

As Florida legislators bat around a proposed bill that would ban the sale the bong and glass smoking devices, head shop owners aren't loafing around while the business is legislated out from under them. An effort is cranking into high gear to challenge the proposal on the hill before it hits the revised code.

See Also:
- Florida Senate Bill Wants to Ban Bongs and Glass Pieces
- Bong Ban Passes Through House Subcommittee, Moves Through Legislature

Running point on the effort is Jay Work, the owner of the four Grateful J's Grateful Deadhead shops spread around Broward and Palm Beach counties. Basically, for the businessman, it's all déjà vu.

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Thank God he wasn't wearing a hoodie.

A 22-year-old black man wearing a hooded sweatshirt was leaving Macy's in Aventura Mall when five Macy's security guards tackled him to the floor and later stripped him down to his underwear.

The problem was? He didn't have anything on him.

Duddeley Petigny, who had an afro and was scruffy, filed a state lawsuit last week alleging that on the afternoon of December 11, he was wrongfully accused of shoplifting -- following an embarrassing arrest and frisk in front of other mall patrons.

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In a story that is equal parts heartbreaking, confounding, and just a friggin' nightmare to parents with kids of all ages, two Pasco County teens were arrested Tuesday on child-porn charges.

The charges comes after one of them allegedly videotaped the other having sex with a girl on their high school campus.

Child-pornography charges means federal crime, which means possible prison time.

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pasa47 via flickr

Our intrepid former editor Eric Barton has left New Times' gulag-like cubicle farm gilded corner office, but he continues to blog over on his own site, Barefoot Mailman.

Missing his wit, we sneak a lil looksee over there once in a while to read his musings about Fort Lauderdale and the world.

Lo and behold, last week he revealed the secret for how to beat a traffic ticket received for a red-light camera violation.

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A fire broke out at the Hope Medical & Wellness clinic in the 2800 block of Hollywood Boulevard on Christmas night. Now Hollywood police, fire rescue, and the state fire marshal are joining together to investigate a possible connection to the fire and a cryptic message scrawled on the clinic's wall.

The message, a haphazard but clear admonition written in red paint across the side wall of the clinic, reads: "U KILLED MY SON DRUG DEALER."

Authorities are not yet ready to say the message is connected to the fire but are investigating the blaze as an arson case.

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Raees Qazi

Raees Qazi, the younger of two Oakland Park brothers charged by the FBI with conspiring to funnel "material support" to terrorists planning to explode a weapon of mass destruction somewhere in the United States, allegedly planned to either blow himself up or detonate a bomb in New York that would cause massive casualties, according to federal prosecutors.

See also:
- Federal Terror Suspect Seems More Frat Boy Than Deadly Mastermind
-Sheheryar Qazi, Oakland Park Terrorist Suspect: Seminole Valet, DD Manager, and Total Bro

Qazi, 20 (affectionately known at the Pulp as the second half of the Jihad Bros), did not go through with his plan after he deemed it "too expensive."

He also apparently read an al-Qaeda online magazine article titled "Make a bomb in the kitchen of your mom."

Qazi reportedly told authorities that he came to Broward to "practice" for a bombing and to build an explosive device. But the device failed. 

Stupid useless al-Qaeda online article.

Jihad, bro!

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New Times Broward Palm Beach editor Chuck Strouse and managing editor Deirdra Funcheon almost came to blows over this week's feature story, Balloon Boy 2012: Three years after the hoax, Falcon Heene fronts a metal band. What follows is a stolen transcript of a conversation the two had over IM.

Chuck: Deirdra, I loved the Balloon Boy in Tampa story, but thought you went rather easy on the father, Richard Heene, who fooled America when he claimed his son had flown away in a balloon -- though the boy was really hiding in the attic.
Sent at 4:16 PM on Wednesday

Deirdra: Ah, but you see.... Richard maintains -- has always maintained (well, except for that guilty plea) -- that he thought Falcon was really up in the balloon. Mayumi was very sincere in telling me that she honestly did not know what the word "hoax" meant. Actually, Geraldo explored this once -- he showed Mayumi's interrogation and how she was asked yes or no questions. It's conceivable, given her Japanese background, that she misunderstood when asked if it was a hoax. So there are two people in America actually willing to give the Heenes the benefit of the doubt here -- me and Geraldo!
Sent at 4:21 PM on Wednesday

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Sheheryar Alam Qazi and Raees Alam Qazi (Broward Sheriff's Office)

Sheheryar Alam Qazi, and Raees Alam Qazi, two Pakistani-born brothers charged by the FBI with conspiring to funnel "material support" to terrorists planning to explode a weapon of mass destruction somewhere in the United States, pleaded not guilty at a hearing in federal court in Fort Lauderdale on Friday morning.

The Qazis (affectionately known 'round these parts as The Jihad Bros), both U.S. citizens, were arrested last week and will remain locked up at the Broward County Main Jail without bond.

See also:
-Sheheryar Qazi, Oakland Park Terrorist Suspect: Seminole Valet, DD Manager, and Total Bro (PICTURES)

Jihad, bro.

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