Ten Fort Lauderdale Life Hacks

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Photo by Michele Eve Sandberg
Fort Lauderdale is like a strange foreign land. If you enter without knowing its ways, you'll be chewed up and spit out, bloody and naked.

(Bloody and naked was actually the third runner-up as Fort Lauderdale's slogan.)

But if you learn your way around, where to go and what to avoid, you'll be embraced in a warm Fort Lauderdale hug.

(Do NOT ask for a "warm Fort Lauderdale hug" in any restaurant or gas station.)

See also: What Buzzfeed Got Wrong About Fort Lauderdale

However, that's easier said than done. How does one learn the ins and outs of Fort Lauderdale? We're pretty sure Anthony Bourdain isn't planning on filming a Fort Lauderdale episode anytime soon. And most Fort Lauderdale travel guides have hollowed-out pages filled with 5,000 pesos and a pocketknife.

Don't worry. We're here to help.

Here are ten pro tips everyone in Fort Lauderdale should know.

10. Avoid Sunrise Boulevard.
Oh my God, it's the worst. I don't care if it's morning, evening, rush hour, or Christmas Eve. Sunrise Boulevard is always as congested as the nose of a cocaine-addicted anteater that's allergic to ants. (Do I smell a screenplay?)

Not only is traffic horrible but pedestrians dart out in front of you as if controlled by a fat-fingered blind kid playing Frogger.

9. Don't swim in the Intracoastal.
As if piles and piles of trash, razor-sharp barnacles that line the seawalls and Intracoastal floors, and drunk boaters flying through blind curves weren't enough, now we learn that there are sharks (or at least one hungry one) in there?

Floating condoms look like fun compared to what happened to this poor girl.

Look at what that shark (Angry turtle? Stand-your-ground-supporting manatee?) did to that leg. That thing looks like lasagna.

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14 comments
Ronaldo Bahamon
Ronaldo Bahamon

I'm actually two months away from starting production on my next documentary that is based around the city of Fort Lauderdale and economic growth through tourism.

Dunn
Dunn

I go to that Chipolte quite often and I have never, ever, had a problem there.


Most of these "hacks" are BS.  Parking in Ft Lauderdale on any given Friday night is no chore, Sunrise Blvd is no worse than most other east/west roads on a weekend, and A1A bicyclists are often more aggressive than any minivan.

SaraMFinCastello
SaraMFinCastello

Who the hell gets upcharged for parking downtown in a lot?  And Fernanda's beats Laspada's subs any day of the week.  

davidvwhitman
davidvwhitman

ʟɪᴋᴇ Fʀᴀɴᴄɪsᴄᴏ ᴇxᴘʟᴀɪɴᴇᴅ I ᴅɪᴅɴ'ᴛ ᴇᴠᴇɴ ᴋɴᴏᴡ ᴛʜᴀᴛ ᴘᴇᴏᴘʟᴇ ᴀʙʟᴇ ᴛᴏ ᴘʀᴏғɪᴛ $8657 ɪɴ ᴏɴᴇ ᴍᴏɴᴛʜ ᴏɴ ᴛʜᴇ ᴄᴏᴍᴘᴜᴛᴇʀ . ᴍᴏʀᴇ ɪɴғᴏʀᴍᴀᴛɪᴏɴ




>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> http://www.jobs7000.com

smdrpepper
smdrpepper topcommenter

I endorse every single one of these hacks, though I try to avoid eating subs.

lazyj77
lazyj77

It's actually much, much nicer now than in the 90's but everyone has different heydays...

formerfla
formerfla

Thank God I left Fort Lauderdale at the end of the good times, mid-1990s.

wonderful place to grow up, but you couldn't pay me to live there now. Good luck to you

Rosita Vee
Rosita Vee

Whoever wrote this must be a total lightweight. You gotta be scared of your own shadow to think Ft Lauderdale's a tough place to live.

Marion Young
Marion Young

I'm pretty sure most employees at fast food restaurants are just as rude as the ones at that particular Chipotle. Why single that one location out?

Justin Figueroa
Justin Figueroa

They forgot the one about not getting on 595, during or right after a torrential storm, unless you have a boat!!!

Sal Macaraig
Sal Macaraig

Wow , these are shit. These don't even qualify as lifehacks. It's just a list of stuff NOT to do. There are only 2 "lifehacks" here. Sheesh.

frankd4
frankd4 topcommenter

........................................LOSERs and CRUISERs

these are the ONLY two economic engines of ft liquordale according to spending public taxpayer funds hence the airport runway extention AND the new courthouse building

the CRUISE ships draw some seven out of every ten arrivals by air and these CRUISERs check-into local hotels and patronize local bars and restaurants and get screwed by the local parking violations nazi and / or the predatory towing operators and are OVER-charged and UNDER-served everywhere to such an extent the fraudsters and scam artists running these restaurant rip-offs have to close at the end of every "season" and re-open elsewhere under a different NEW name to cover their tracks

the judicial industrial complex feeds everything from PREDATORY towing operators to judges retirement plans to LEOs overtime for their boat payments and depends entirely on LOSERs on drugs uneducated and unemployable

..................it is why we have a such a shitty public education system (we need those uneducated to be incarcerated) and an even shittier unreliable public transportation system (we need those unemployable to have no chance) - the local yokels don't count here, just tourists

snow-birds learn to find their own way around down here and could care less about the rest of the people here

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