13 Things You Learn When You First Move to South Florida
4. Nobody Goes to the Beach in the Summer Because the Sand Is Basically the Surface of the Sun
Illustration by Serena Dominguez
Ah, you're a South Florida resident now. The beach is just down the street. You pack your beach towel, suntan lotion, and snorkel. You drive on down and, oh look, the beach is empty. You have it all to yourself! Cool. You walk onto the sand and OH MY GAWWWDDD YOUR FLESH IS MELTING RIGHT OFF OF YOUR BONES OOHH THE HUMANATEEEEE!!! Here's why the locals stay away from the beach in the summer: Because slowly broiling to death isn't all that swell of a time. If you want to feel like a hot dog, just roll around in mustard and go sell yourself at a Marlins game.
3. Wait for the Snowbirds to Leave Before You Make Reservations at Your Favorite Restaurant
Oh how they love to come down here and tell you how much better the New York delis and restaurants are. Yet when they're here, they horde every good restaurant in town like a herd of thundering buffalo -- except with thicker accents and a much more insufferable disposition. So, until they go back to their cold-ass city for the summer, you're going to have to just stick to eating your dinner at a Denny's.
2. FAU Has the Worst News of Any University in the Country
While all the other universities around town are famous for their football teams and alumni, FAU is famous for slightly different reasons. That's because Florida Atlantic University leads the country in weird professors, creepy dudes, and terrible stadium controversies. James Tracy, a professor at the school, made waves after the Sandy Hook tragedy when he suggested that the murder of innocent kindergartners by a madman with a gun was actually the work of the government. Another professor once got in trouble for having a class exercise whereby students stomped onto a picture of Jesus. And the school's new football stadium was once named after a prison. Oh, and the former school president once hit a student with her car.
1. The City You Live in Is Shorthand for Who You Are
One thing South Floridians are pretty serious about is their image. So it's important to tell people where exactly in this vast swamp land of sun and sand you hail from, so that everyone knows what you're about. And by that we mean, pretty much everyone in Broward County tells people they're from Fort Lauderdale -- even if they're not. Who, after all, wants to be known as the guy from Delray? Or Plantation. What the hell is Plantation? No, if you live above the Miami-Dade border, you're from Fort Lauderdale. Unless you're from Palm Beach, in which case you just rattle the keys to your gold-plated yacht and everyone automatically knows where you hail from.
Send your story tips to the author, Chris Joseph.