13 Things You Learn When You First Move to South Florida
10. The Cockroaches Down Here Actually Fly
Illustration by Serena Dominguez
Oh look, a roach is on the wall. Gross. Wow, it's big. Oh stop being such a sissy. It's gross, but it's harmless. Just hand me that magazine and I'll squash this little guy before you can O MY GAAAAWWWWD IT'S FLYING RIGHT AT ME!! IT'S ON MY HEAD! GET IT OFF!! GET IT OFF!!! KILL IT WITH FIRE!! Cockroaches fall right above avocados on the list of things that should not have wings. Cockroaches need wings like North Korea needs nukes.
9. Cops Break the Law More Than Anybody Else
Whether it's excessive force or hiring themselves out as bodyguards to crooks, South Florida cops are way better criminals than actual criminals are. While there are many decent, honest coppers down here, we have a long list of John Laws who were all about getting mixed up in the rackets. Corruption among cops is a long-standing tradition around these parts, be it fraud, grand theft, tax evasion, or using their positions of power to aid a Ponzi schemer like Scott Rothstein, our officers put any common criminal to shame.
8. You Can Spend a Year in Sawgrass Mills and Not See All of It
This mall is HUGE. You name it, they got it. Need shoes? A leather jacket? A wig? A hose? A dog collar? A T-shirt with the Joker on it? A suitcase? Candy? One of those abs-building belts? Caramel apples? Jeans? Life-sized Duck Dynasty cutouts? A soccer jersey? Yup. They got those. You can also ride a carousel in between shopping at stores and sign up your kid to be a model. Sawgrass is a giant city within a city. Like the Vatican but with an Auntie Anne's. Rumor has is that there are a couple of forgotten kiosks in the far east corner of the mall that are still selling World War II propaganda.