13 Things You Learn When You First Move to South Florida

Categories: WTFlorida

Hot_Beach_crop_credit_Serena_Dominguez.jpg
Illustration by Serena Dominguez
Moving to South Florida is no easy task. It takes gumption and balls, and you probably have to be a little nuts as well. Why? Because South Florida is insane. It's also beautiful, sexy, sweltering, and sultry. But, mostly, insane.

Now that you're here, it's important to understand that we're not just about beaches and nightclubs. You have to dig deeper to learn the true characteristics of what makes South Florida tick. And there's so much to take in.

But no worries. We've done the hard part for you, sifting through all the facts and nuggets to give you a heads-up on what you learn when you first move here.

And by "we've done the hard part for you," we mean, we've lived here for some time. And what we've learned, we pass on to you:

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Illustration by Serena Dominguez
13. Nobody Knows Who Broward Was or What Broward Is
Did you know that Broward County was named after a dude named Napoleon? Well, no one does. Napoleon Broward was a mustachioed fellow who was a riverboat captain who became Florida's 18th governor back in the early 1900s. He has more than 30 roads named after him. Oh, and he basically drained the Everglades because he thought it was just a big stupid swamp. Manatees probably confused him too. In other words, he wasn't the most charming fellow. Pretty much like the name "Broward County." Which is why no one in the history of humans has ever said, "I'M GONNA GO TO SPRING BREAK IN BROWARD! WOO HOO!"

12. Bicyclists Literally Face Death Every Time They Get on the Road
Riding a bike in South Florida is like one of those postapocalyptic manhunt movies where machines run down humans for points. Except it's real life. South Florida is incredibly awful for anyone who wants to go for a bike ride. Even if you just look at a bike, someone will throw a rock at your temple. There are basically no bike paths in any meaningful places. And the bike paths that do exist are completely ignored. It's gotten so bad, the Florida Legislature has been trying to push laws to make it illegal for a person to flee the scene after hitting a cyclist. That's right. People in South Florida need a law to tell them that they can't just up and go after crushing another person's body with their car and leaving them to die.

11. Dania Beach Is for Old People; Fort Lauderdale Is to Get Laid
If you want to get some action, hit up Fort Lauderdale. If you want to hear where all the best early-bird dinner specials are, Dania Beach is the place for you. A Dania Beach party consists of three copies of Time magazine from 2009 and warm oatmeal.



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7 comments
dstiller
dstiller

frightening..we.re planning on coming south but yikes

michellejdunne
michellejdunne

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jamesafong
jamesafong


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rizzmigizz
rizzmigizz topcommenter

Lived here my entire life and never even considered Broward was a human.

Jaime
Jaime

Gold-plated yacht? Uh, that's for the poors. We roll platinum plus in Palm Beach, son.


(And by we, I mean the people that live across the intracoastal from me. Damn, the glare off of those boats is blinding)

Allie Conti
Allie Conti

"like the vatican with an auntie anne's"

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