Six Best Mother's Day Gifts From The Swap Shop

Categories: Holidays

Photo by Alex Markow
Let's do a little creative visualization: You are the first mother in the history of the human race. One day, something starts growing inside your uterus, kicking and leaching nutrients for nine months before choosing one of the smallest holes on your body to emerge from. After unimaginable pain, you find yourself holding the tiny and slimy little ball of screaming flesh who put you through this. What do you do?

My instinct tells me to Sigourney Weaver that little alien. Send it out into the cold abyss of space where it belongs.

Good thing I'm not a mother. No, instead that first mother looked at that thing, and rather than grabbing the nearest sharp rock, she loved it.

Since then, mothers around the world have been upholding that tradition and loving their slimy little flesh balls as well, wiping their butts, mouths, and tears (hopefully with different towels) along the way.

And this Sunday, on the day they call Mother's Day, we'll honor that fact.

But what do you get the woman who is literally the reason you exist? Flowers? Boring. Candy? Delicious, but boring. Candy flowers? I think the closest thing to this would be an Edible Arrangement which is still, unfortunately, boring.

How about something unique? A one of a kind piece just as special as she is -- something bright, dangerous, even smelly.

Something from Ft. Lauderdale's famous Swap Shop.

6. Earrings
Like these earrings. Give your mother the bling she deserves while still sending a subtle message.

I love you mom, but I damn sure don't trust you. Not since you bought the Publix brand Greek yogurt when I specifically asked for Chobani, then tried to fool me by putting it into a Tupperware container. What, you think my tongue is stupid?!

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