Indiana Pacers Strike First Blood in Game 1 Over the Heat

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Well, that was rough.

The Miami Heat dropped Game 1 of the Eastern Conference Finals to the Indiana Pacers 107-96 in a game in which Miami never even led.

It was a swift and rough kick right to the pills from the get-go and featured one of the most frustrating performances by the Heat since, well... since Game 4 of the Brooklyn series.

Care to relive it? Probably not! But let's delve deeper into the poop canal anyway to figure out what went wrong and what needs to happen to fix it.

It'll be the reading equivalent of when Andy Dufresne crawled through 500 yards of sewer water to escape Shawshank!



1. Chris Bosh Was a Big Pile of Dinosaur Shit

Look, we love us some Chris Bosh around here. He's got a silky-smooth jumper, is intelligent, funny, and an absolute .Gif Face artist. But his Game 1 performance was an abomination to all things basketball. Chris Bosh was, in short, a giant heap of velociraptor shit.

Bosh looked completely lost on both sides of the ball. He went 4-for-12 from the floor, including 0-4 from three, and managed to grab only two -- TWO -- rebounds on the game. He finished things with no steals and no blocks. The entire game consisted of Chris Bosh waddling from end to end looking like Bambi when there was a fire in the forest.

If the Heat have any chance of getting through this series, they're going to need more of Delightful Rawr Bosh to make several appearances. He needs to start and stay aggressive. And that doesn't just mean chucking eight threes at inopportune times.



2. The Heat Are at the Mercy of Mario Chalmers Being Great or Being Trash
Mario Chalmers has a knack for making an awesome play one minute, and then a run-crushing inept one the next. And in this game, we saw more of the inept Mario than anything else.

His line reads like pure unadulterated ass: 6 points, 1 steal, and only 5 assists. That's not what you want from your point guard.

And that's not even the half of all the suck. Chalmers' dumb flagrant foul on C.J. Watson was cheap and dumb and usually something reserved for Miami's opponents. But Mario lets his immaturity get the best of him at times. Just because you're playing like a bucket of dicks doesn't mean you need to lose your cool and go tossing dudes into scorer's tables.

Chalmers needs to get back to being Sexual Chocolate if Miami wants to get back to the Finals.


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