Medical Marijuana Will Kill Florida
Our fearless state attorney, Pam Bondi, seems to be the only one thinking straight, pointing out that "physicians could authorize marijuana for anything, anytime, to anyone, of any age."
Thank you! Finally! The children! What about the children? How will they have time to be 2 drunk 2 care when they're 2 stoned 2 comprehend? Do we even know how marijuana will react with their Adderall prescriptions?
And how come no one is listening to former congressman Allen West, who told the Sun Sentinel, "I'm not into creating victims; I'm not into creating drug addicts" when asked if he was open to medical marijuana? Because if you've ever seen a guy pull out a joint at a Phish concert, chances are you've thought, "That poor, poor victim." He did just pay $50 to sit in the back row of a Phish concert.
And Rick Scott might as well have been talking to himself when he said he'd vote against medical marijuana because, "having seen the terrible effects of alcohol and drug abuse firsthand, I cannot endorse sending Florida down this path, and I would personally vote against it." Abuse! Addiction! Finally, someone gets it.
Can you imagine our great state filled with a bunch of tweaking marijuana addicts? Convenience stores will be ransacked and potato chips nearly extinct.
Picture thousands of people, toking up before climbing in their cars. Florida's streets will be flooded with red-eyed pot demons who merge like narcoleptic amputees and don't use their turn signals. What will we do? Our famously safe streets are in jeopardy!
I don't know what the future holds for Florida, but I do know it's going to have something to do with the Apocalypse. Between now and November, go outside and kiss a palm tree. Because Florida, as we know it, is dead.