Medical Marijuana Will Kill Florida

Our fearless state attorney, Pam Bondi, seems to be the only one thinking straight, pointing out that "physicians could authorize marijuana for anything, anytime, to anyone, of any age."

Thank you! Finally! The children! What about the children? How will they have time to be 2 drunk 2 care when they're 2 stoned 2 comprehend? Do we even know how marijuana will react with their Adderall prescriptions?

And how come no one is listening to former congressman Allen West, who told the Sun Sentinel, "I'm not into creating victims; I'm not into creating drug addicts" when asked if he was open to medical marijuana? Because if you've ever seen a guy pull out a joint at a Phish concert, chances are you've thought, "That poor, poor victim." He did just pay $50 to sit in the back row of a Phish concert.

And Rick Scott might as well have been talking to himself when he said he'd vote against medical marijuana because, "having seen the terrible effects of alcohol and drug abuse firsthand, I cannot endorse sending Florida down this path, and I would personally vote against it." Abuse! Addiction! Finally, someone gets it.

Can you imagine our great state filled with a bunch of tweaking marijuana addicts? Convenience stores will be ransacked and potato chips nearly extinct.

Picture thousands of people, toking up before climbing in their cars. Florida's streets will be flooded with red-eyed pot demons who merge like narcoleptic amputees and don't use their turn signals. What will we do? Our famously safe streets are in jeopardy!

See also: Florida Has the Sixth Worst Drivers in America

I don't know what the future holds for Florida, but I do know it's going to have something to do with the Apocalypse. Between now and November, go outside and kiss a palm tree. Because Florida, as we know it, is dead.



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145 comments
mojo3145
mojo3145

The thing is folks, you end up arguing with these prohibitionist people online and really why bother. It's like playing chess with a pigeon, you can be as good as you like but at the end of the day they'll just strut about, peck the King over and then look satisfied thinking they've won.

mojo3145
mojo3145

AT FIRST I THOUGHT THIS WAS SATIRE....The uneducated manner in which you talk about marijuana seriously makes you sound like you could have written the script to some of those old "reefer madness" movies. Why don't you do yourself a favor and give your logic at least 5 minutes of thought before you post something so ridiculous and un-insightful again.

zeke_young2001
zeke_young2001

This coming from an idiot who's never smoked it. Hell if his parents told him that the world is flat, he'd believe it. They say ignorance is bliss, bs. Ignorance is stupidity, way too many stupid people in this world. I smoked all the way through college and still carried a 3.6 GPA. Makes you stupid and lazy my ass. If it makes you lazy, chances are you were already lazy in the beginning. I don't smoke anymore, but I still support it 110%

brokenangel1320
brokenangel1320

 I always enjoy a good satire, but the truth is a good portion of the world has always smoked cannabis. Back in the day before cannabis was this "over-dosing", "addictive" drug, everyone and their mom would gather around and join in a nice doobie. It was just one action and this herb- this plant- was illegal and anyone caught even having the scent is bombarded with countless questions. Years this has gone on, kids picking up a nug out of curiosity of why a plant is illegal. Kids taking a hit just to find out why such a small meaningless herb is so bad. 

Slowly this piece of mother nature is getting another look, officials finally realizing this plant isn't so bad. It stops cancer cells from spreading, it relives individuals of their stress, helps people fall asleep easier, prevents suicide in men between the ages of 20-30, depending on the level of pain- helps Americans with their pain without getting addicted to pain pills and other alternatives. Cannabis is also a way better alternative to cigarettes- having no altered chemicals enter your lungs. Yes, smoking is terrible for the body in general but sitting cannabis next to tobacco is the healthier choice. Of course smoking is the main intake, but if mainly concerned of your health are other choices: edibles, vapor, liquid droplets, and pill forms.

  Having marijuana legalized is just like having cigarettes and alcohol around. You have to be a certain age to obtain it and if you're caught with these substances you get in trouble. The same will go for cannabis once it's legalized. A age restriction will be placed, a penalty will be asserted if someone under the age is influenced.yes, children will be curious about marijuana but it would be up to the parents next to set their children on the right road concerning the plant. A majority of kids aren't smoking or drinking just because it's in societies and it's not "evil", kids are curious and want to know why- the main reason why children try this harmless plant. Of course as soon as it's legalized everyone will go ape for a joint, but the hype will slowly die down. Children won't try this "drug" until a reasonable age to where they have the ability to chose right from wrong. Depending on the parenting will hopefully realize the fualts in America's society today.

medicalgardensolutio
medicalgardensolutio

seriously funny article.  I love this because I also love to use satire.  I was always a huge fan of Dean Swift's "A Modest Proposal".  those of you that are not familiar with satire should Google Jonathon Swift's work.



P.S. When I say Dean Swift referring to Jonathon Swift, I am using his honorary title of Dean.  Here is a little background info on the Dean: Jonathan Swift (30 November 1667 – 19 October 1745) was an Anglo-Irish satirist, essayist, political pamphleteer (first for the Whigs, then for the Tories), poet and cleric who became Dean of St Patrick's Cathedral, Dublin.

2b2s

RidgmontHighSchooler
RidgmontHighSchooler

 This article is very well said.  I should point out, though, that it did miss a few very important points.

Washington State and Colorado are already feeling the effects of their evil lawmaker’s decision to legalize this tool of the devil known as "cannabis".

These states have stopped drug testing their employees and it is now ok to be high at work.  As a result of this ill guided practice, they are seeing the beginnings of the decay of their infrastructure.  Everyone is these states is so high they don't care about anything except where the potato chips are and who is Bogarting the joint.  

We can clearly view the effects of this fact in Washington State for example.  As we drive through this once great state we will see roads going unprepared, traffic lights have stopped working, and a boat crashed into the San Francisco bridge over the Puget Sound (connecting Tacoma to Seattle) because no one cared enough to raise it up for the ship to go under it, and the captain of the boat was too high to see the bridge wasn't raised!!  And worse yet we see a huge tunneling machine stopped dead in it's tracks holding up a multi-billion dollar highway tunnel project because everyone is too high to do anything about it.

PEOPLE!!! This substance is going to be the end of us all, if we don't stop the infection right now.  The only thing we can do is open "free dispensaries" and lock up everybody who comes in for their “free” drugs.  Then we can get them into treatment until they understand that pot is evil!  We have the tools necessary to treat these poor lost souls.  The Spanish Inquisition showed us everything we need to know about treating this kind of ailment. And when they are healed we can replace these evil substances with the LEGAL medications such as Valium,  Mirapex, and Lariam.  (Please do not view the warning labels or side effect disclaimers.  These are lies that the EPA has force the poor pharmaceutical companies to put on these wonderful and harmless medications)

The drugs are winning the war!  We must re-double our efforts if we are going to have any chance of surviving this war!


Be excellent to each other


- Ferris Beuller

floridaA
floridaA

another moron Screaming NOOOOOOO!!!!!!  know this the endocannabinoid system is the LARGEST neuron transmitter in the HUMAN BRAIN   too bad its been under prohibition for the last 50-70 years we might of learned something about the brain.........

Auldphart
Auldphart

Well, as I have often suspected, critical thinking has not been taught in schools for some time now...but, in defense of those who think this is serious and are outraged, some of the non satirical crap I have read regarding cannabis by Sabet, Kennedy, Fey et al. is not too far from this rather enjoyable article...here's hoping that Florida voters use their heads and join the ever increasing number of states that have come to their collective senses...

amandasl2001
amandasl2001

This article is the most stupid and ignorant thing I've read in a while. These people are just old fucks who don't know anything because research says marijuana helps with ADHD. Like read your facts people. The government is not always doing what's best. Like I don't know, shoving pools down every kids mouth who "can't sit still". Point is. This article is repugnant to me.

conchchowder
conchchowder

I'm here because I Googled  Ryan Pfeffer to see what kind of human being would berate other human beings for wanting the ability to ease or end their pain and suffering by asking for a ballot initiative for medical marihuana. This is a quote from Mr. Pfeffer in his "Medical Marijuana Will Kill Florida" article in The New Times February 5th, 2014.

http://blogs.browardpalmbeach.com/pulp/2014/02/why_medical_marijuana_will_kil.php

"What a dumb phrase. There's nothing medical about marijuana! Heck, while we're at it, let's give insomniacs arsenic smoothies. It's a guaranteed great night's sleep! Got a toothache? Here let me shoot you in the face with a nail gun. Feel better? No? Good!

I can't believe that 82 percent of you animals support this insane amendment. "

These aren't people wanting to get high.  These are parents of children who are looking for non-psychoactive cannabis oil to end the seizures their children are experiencing tens of times a day.

These are people seeking an end to the nausea caused by repeated treatments of chemotherapy in the hopes they can stop vomiting enough that they can at least keep their teeth and dignity.

These are people, such as myself, who suffer from diabetic neuropathy which causes stabbing pain in the extremities as neurons send out signals as they die causing sleepless nights and constant pain during the day...the relief at hand is relief which can cause liver damage and/or death in OTC form or prescription pain relief which can cause addiction, abuse, overdose, and death.

These are grand and great grandparents with glaucoma.

These are dying cancer patients who want to be lucid enough to say goodbye to family and friends but still keep the pain of death at bay.

These are people who, for now, can't gain relief for to do so, brings the threat of incarceration for seeking out a proven medical treatment for them. (I am one of those).

You can't make us feel any worse than we already do, Ryan, but to call us names and ignorantly post that, "There's nothing medical about marijuana!" Truly is a "dumb phrase."

http://www.cancer.gov/cancertopics/pdq/cam/cannabis/patient/page2

Those with doctorates in the field of immunobiology with published works in peer-reviewed publications would differ with the writer of this opinion piece.

I held my writers to high standards of journalistic excellence when I edited my college paper.  This writer has a lot to say about drinking (which kills tens of thousands worldwide) and pot (which even abused has ever killed anyone in 12 billion years).  At least you could have done some serious research instead of offering unfounded comments on something you know little to nothing about.

thescoop
thescoop

I would hope this is pure sarcasm

hlywuud
hlywuud

This is one of the most poorly written columns/articles I have ever read.  How did it end up in the New Times catelog?   Perhaps they wanted to have someone represent the other side, but can you at least get someone who has a little journalistic integrity? ....and someone who doesn't need to constantly use exclamations! to get his point accross.

pluna1
pluna1

Ryan your a joke

winsomelosesome
winsomelosesome topcommenter

Regarding the responders who thought this was a serious article, in the words of Emily Latella, "Never mind."

jojo
jojo

Leave PHISH out of this, asshole.

FlyingTooLow
FlyingTooLow

"The closest I have ever seen marijuana come to harming anyone was during an air drop. We brought in 1100 pounds from Jamaica and dropped it in a peanut field in middle Georgia. The bales were dropped from a small plane at 125 feet altitude. One of the bales, about 80 pounds, missed my compadre by only a few feet... but it surely messed up his truck."

You can read about it in ‘Shoulda Robbed a Bank’

It’s on Amazon…true story…by Hugh Yonn

Fint SamPablo
Fint SamPablo

The End Of what YOU MOTHER FUCKER WHITE PEOPLES IGNORANTS OF SHITS?

tonelo
tonelo

This is a joke of an article. You failed to mention or even acknowledge all the benefits this legislature can bring to the community. All of the fears you express in your nonsensical blog depict a group of leaders that are so incompentent that once legislature is passed it will be a free for all? Ridiculous, of course more studies will be conducted, of course the substance will be regulated, what are you? An abosolute radical idiot? You sound like a republican who's been drinking the koolaid so much that you forgot to think past your fears. We live in a free world of incredible thinkers, trust that there will be guidelines to follow as we begin the journey of legalization. I've visited California and Colorado and both places seem to making the transition seemlessly as their economy booms and their crime rates fall. So don't be a dummy, dummy! Form a real opinion instead of ones you borrowed from your lame idols. Smoke one, and shit what do you know about being at a phish concert? We're you stoned when you attended? You were probably stoned when you wrote this piece of trash.

Jonathan Ferragut
Jonathan Ferragut

I almost lost my cool. But then I realized, I don't give a fuck ;) I thought it was a bit over the top. even if it was the intention of the piece it to illicit said responses, it should have been toned down a bit. If the bulk of your audience isn't getting the gist of it within the first few paragraphs, you aren't accomplishing what you set out to do. (Unless of course your aim is to confuse the masses, in which case, MUAHAHHAHAA!!! ::evil grin:: )

vigiflacan
vigiflacan

Talking about the children here about this that's hilarious because last time I checked kids are selling adderal like crack kids over dosing and losing focus in life doctors think people have this have that when really we are all fine we don't need marijuana for medical use but for recreational use to rebuild our economy and stature in the roles we are to play marijuana will save us not kill us.

Kyle Ballard
Kyle Ballard

What I find funnier than the article itself, are the people who don't immediately comprehend it's blatant sarcasm. You guys need to put your bongs down for a few minutes and try reading it again.

rc3699
rc3699

You are one dum ignorant person don't you know that already 82 percent of people smoke marijuanna everyday and its safer to drive high than drunk stop the bullshit if u don't like it don't smoke it

Bud Stanio
Bud Stanio

OH NIKKI IS MAD! But seriously, Broward and palm beach are as dumb as rocks. BRB time to rip one before bed.

mr.parker.john
mr.parker.john

Lol.. Not sure which is better, the comments or the article..

But, something to note.. What if someone who reads this actually believes it and doesn't disagree?

Nicole Sauk
Nicole Sauk

How did so many people miss that this was a satire?? For goodness sakes. He is making fun of marijuana prohibitionists by over exagerating the kind of statements they usually say so their ridiculousness is more obviously shown. It's a joke.

sandmann069
sandmann069

I must commend you sir. Brilliant piece of trolling. In one fell swoop, you have managed to dupe the very same Meehami stoner populous with this scathing satirical piece.

Susan Duran
Susan Duran

Absolutely a shame that so many people are dope heads!! Satan is racking up on souls!!! Especially all these people committing suicide.

luciag77
luciag77

Omg i scrolled down for the comments because i just knew they'd be funnier than the article itself! I was not disappointed! What a bunch of idiots! Ever heard of sarcasm? Re-read the article and maybe you'll get it. If the aderrall line, or the "phish victim" or the 2drunk 2 care part or even the "potato chips nearly extinct" bit did NOT tip you off. ... then the Safe Florida streets should definitely have been a major clue!!! C'mon people! Smh....

markhopkins435
markhopkins435

@RidgmontHighSchooler    hahahahaha thanks for the great laugh


People been smoking in the closet for years ... they just now coming out for the first time cause they aren't scared anymore


I would rather have potheads on the rode than alcoholics


You will never hear a pothead ask ....where am I... how did I get here and who is this next to me in my bed...I killed someone I don't remember I was to drunk

vampirevincent_d
vampirevincent_d

@conchchowder  I can't decide what's more hilarious: a satirical article, or somebody who writes a page-long rant railing against a satirical article.

vampirevincent_d
vampirevincent_d

@hlywuud  On the contrary! It's one of the most brilliant articles I've ever read, and I'm absolutely clueless as to how people can't see the obvious satire. Let me give some quotes:

"Remember the 2000 presidential election? Remember all the poll workers who stayed up for days straight, counting and recounting and recounting? We showed America what work ethic really means."


"Thank you! Finally! The children! What about the children? How will they have time to be 2 drunk 2 care when they're 2 stoned 2 comprehend? Do we even know how marijuana will react with their Adderall prescriptions?"


"Florida's streets will be flooded with red-eyed pot demons who merge like narcoleptic amputees and don't use their turn signals. What will we do? Our famously safe streets are in jeopardy!"


How, for Christ's sake, did you actually take this seriously?

vampirevincent_d
vampirevincent_d

"Remember the 2000 presidential election? Remember all the poll workers who stayed up for days straight, counting and recounting and recounting? We showed America what work ethic really means."


How could ANYONE take this seriously? He didn't a fucking brilliant job of making it painfully obvious he wasn't being serious. Some people are so ready to get offended that their reasoning faculty visibly drains from their skulls. 

vampirevincent_d
vampirevincent_d

Blatant is an understatement. I'm absolutely baffled that even a single person found a way to take this seriously. 

stephenstillwell777
stephenstillwell777

If you read this as over exaggeration, you have not watched FOX news, or Nancy Grace on HLN.

FlyingTooLow
FlyingTooLow

@ Nicole Sauk...

And he does it so well.  Much love the line, "... go outside and kiss a palm tree. Because Florida, as we know it, is dead."

That's good stuff...

vampirevincent_d
vampirevincent_d

@luciag77  I originally set out on a mission to berate the people that took it seriously, but I soon realized that would me take all night.

FlyingTooLow
FlyingTooLow

@cajima @FlyingTooLow

Oh, yeah?  Well, by golly, I just hope that you enjoyed them.

Can you give me a hint whom you may be?

(who, whom...why did they create two words to identify the same person?  I hate that crap)

I hope to hear from you...stay safe and happy...Hugh...

luciag77
luciag77

I'm honestly shocked by the amount of people who didn't get it! The Florida education system has really failed so many....

vampirevincent_d
vampirevincent_d

Satire: the use of humor, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule to expose and criticize people's stupidity or vices, particularly in the context of contemporary politics and other topical issues.

Berate: scold or criticize (someone) angrily.

So, uh, no.

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