One Man, Two Ridiculous Fake Profiles, and Three Online Dating Sites: Can You Get a Valentine's Date Online?

Categories: Holidays


Tinder is what it must feel like to be a powerful casting agent in L.A., tearing your way through an infinite stack of headshots. No, no, yes, no, yes, too fat, too skinny, crazy eyes, no, no, yes...

If you've never used it, you basically see a picture of a person in your general geographic area and swipe right to "like" them and left to "nope" them (a format other sites, including OKCupid, have since adopted). If you swipe right on someone who also swiped right on you, Tinder will tell you and urge you to send that person a message. And if you put your phone in the microwave for 45 seconds and go outside, you might just meet an actual person.

Though, the whole swiping process does make you feel really powerful -- until you realize it's 9 p.m. on a Saturday and you're in bed cyber-judging people who probably have no interest in seeing you naked anyway.

For Rian and Douche Bag Ryan, it was a toss-up. Tinder's emphasis on physical looks might play to Douche Bag Ryan's whole "I just wanna bone" mindset. But the sheer number of young people using Tinder (500 million swipes and 5 million matches a day) might mean there are some kitten-loving baking aficionados out there who would give Rian a shot.

And there were.

Cheesing his way into the hearts of a couple of young ladies, Rian went 2-for-13. Not a bad showing. There were many who didn't respond to the poor guy, and I must have swiped right on a hundred girls before finding someone willing to give the kitten lover a chance.

Douche Bag Ryan, however, went out not with a bang but with a not getting banged. That magnificent idiot went 0-for-13. And that's a good thing.

All in all, Douche Bag Ryan went 1-for-27, and Rian went 7-for-29, with two maybes.

If Rian existed, I think he'd be in for a pretty good Valentine's Day. If Douche Bag Ryan existed, I think he'd spend Valentine's Day like he spends every other day: masturbating.

Even though I share little in common with Rian and Douche Bag Ryan, I still found myself rooting for them, because everyone deserves love -- not just on Valentine's Day but every day. And when one of those girls would say yes, I'd smile. I'd question her sanity, but I'd do it with a smile.

To the girls who I lured into Valentine's dates with false promises of freshly baked pies and swollen biceps, I'm sorry. Truly, I am. I lied to you, and that is wrong.

And to the girls who got really mad at me when I told them they were talking to a fake profile, I'd like to kindly remind you that you're on the internet. These things happen.

And if you're still mad, take comfort in the fact that I, the real Ryan, don't have a Valentine's Day date either. But you won't find me online. No, I'm going to try to go outside and actually talk to you people. It's not going to be pretty.

By the way, if you think Ferguson or Waffles are cute, you can adopt them at Abandoned Pet Rescue on 1137 NE Ninth Ave., Fort Lauderdale.

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I don't know what's funnier, Rian's jokes or his smiley faces.  Fucking hilarious article!

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