9 Reasons Dan Marino Should Not Take Any Front Office Jobs with the Dolphins
6. Things Are A Goddamn Mess In Miami
Have you SEEN what's been happening to this team since you left? Namely, it has sucked balls. It's a team that has been stuck in a perpetual wormhole of horse ass and monkey shit, sucking us in, swirling us about, and spitting us out on the other side where every season ends in a 7-9 record, no playoffs, and the 19th overall draft pick.
Not to mention the absolute shit-ditch Jeff Ireland drove this franchise into before FINALLY getting the boot.
And then there's the whole bullying fiasco, where people are angry and taking sides and calling names and won't stop talking about it. The media has dubbed the Dolphins the Face of Bullying In America. But, really, it's the Face of Shit Stains On The Mattress.
Also, you'd be inheriting a team that fields Koa FUCKING Misi for crapsake.
5. Stephen Ross Is A Dolt
Have you ever seen a bigger star-fucker than Stephen Ross outside of a Kardashian? The guy LOVES to dry hump celebrities and big names with his eyes, and loses all rational thought whenever a famous-to-semi-famous person comes within his vision.
This is the guy that sold stakes to every C-list celeb that crawled out of the woodwork to announce themselves as "Dolphins fans."
And this is why he'd want you on his team. Not because he thinks you'd do well at your job. But because you're a Big Name guy -- the biggest in this town not named "LeBron" or "Dwyane."
And let's not forget how the team has turned into a pile of deer shit under his watch. How he clinged onto Jeff Ireland way longer than he should have, and is doing the same with Joe Philbin.
You want to work for a guy you can take seriously. Stephen Ross may have made billions in real estate, but he runs the Dolphins like Kruger Industrial Smoothing.
4. The Media Down Here Is Full Of Idiots
This is a team with beat writers who love to condescend their readers and love to make any all stories about themselves.
Like this guy.
And this guy.
Those two guys, specifically.
No man should have to deal with that much douche on a day to day basis.