9 Reasons Dan Marino Should Not Take Any Front Office Jobs with the Dolphins
Hi. Hello. How are you?
You might not remember me, but we met last year during a Miami Dolphins presser when they unveiled their new logo and uniforms. I was the guy who walked up to you and tried asking you a question but instead only managed to say something along the lines of, "Derrrrr.... derrr... derrrrrr..."
I was nervous. Sorry about that. You're my hero!
Which brings us to the point of this article. Seems that you're out of a job now. And that's a total bummer.
But now that you're no longer at CBS, the rumors have begun to fly that the Dolphins might offer you a front office gig with them. And while I'd love nothing more than to see you someday finally win that Super Bowl ring as a front office guy, I think I love you enough to tell you to turn down any and all front office jobs this team offers you.
Just say no, Dan Marino.
Still not convinced, eh? Well, here are 9 reasons why you should say no:
9. Things Are WAY Different From When You First Took This Job
Ten years ago, you were named the team's senior vice president. And then you went to the Senior Bowl, and then you said fuck it and took off. Things were not as pretty as it was sold to you. This job is hard, and it ages you, and it's unfair. And that's with teams not the Dolphins.
Well, ten years later, things are no different. In fact, things are a fucking travesty within an abomination wrapped in ruination with this team.
It smells, Dan Marino. It smells horrid.
It smells like a dirty diaper from a baby that ate a microwaved egg salad sandwich.
8. John Elway Was Extremely Lucky
People love to point at your buddy John Elway and all his recent success in Denver as reason why you should now take a stab at running things in Miami.
But, much like your respective playing days, you'd be stuck in a dysfunctional franchise that is sure to piss all over your legacy, while John Elway is swaddled in pure unbridled luck.
Seriously. John Elway must have used that horse face of his to seduce and then bang a unicorn because the luck that toothy dipshit has had is unfathomable.
First, he inherits Terrel Davis and Shannon Sharpe and goes on to ride their shoulders to two consecutive Super Bowl wins. Now, he inherits one of the most promising wide receivers in Demarius Thomas and had Peyton Manning fall into his lap.
Thomas was drafted by the guys before him, and Manning basically chose the Broncos because it was either them or the Dolphins. The Broncos were the team that sucked the least. The rest was all Manning.
7. There's No Peyton Manning Out There
Which leads us to this..... there is no Peyton Manning out there to fall into your lap. You, of all people, understand that if the quarterback ain't worth a crap, the team is going to suck.
And, let's face it, Ryan Tannehill is not anywhere near the vicinity of ever being a Peyton Manning.
He's a nice QB. His wife is a bit bubble headed, but we're willing to overlook that.
Tannehill has shown flashes of being a solid QB. But the rest of the time he's either overthrowing receivers, underthrowing receivers, or throwing it to the other team.
Ryan Tannehill might have a depth-perception problem. You don't want to come into a team with so much uncertainty at that position. And it's not like Aaron Rodgers is suddenly going to have a neck injury that sidelines him for a full season, which allows the Packers to earn the first overall pick in the draft, thus cutting ties with him.
(I'm telling you. John Elway fucked a unicorn!)