Best Places in Florida to Hide Christmas Presents from Kids
Photo by Colleen McMahon / Flickr Commons
You did all your holiday shopping and now those boxes from Amazon are starting to roll in. Where to hide all that junk before you wrap it? Kids are sneaky. (I personally believe that babies know full well how to wipe their butts, but just fake it so they can poop on you.) They can find Xmas presents anywhere. Well... almost anywhere!
But it won't be easy. This is Florida: Everything is lit up by sunlight, we don't have basements, and--according to our state laws--a person is legally allowed to tie up your family and look through your closet if they find your Christmas decorations to be "aggressively merry."
A lot of things happened in Florida this year, and as a consequence, a lot of great hiding spots have emerged.
If you're looking for a place to put your Christmas presents that will fool even the snoopiest little toddler, consider these options:
Give them to a herpes-infected monkey
Photo by Rudolph.A.furtado / Wikipedia Commons
There are about 1000 of them in Florida and I don't know if they all have herpes, but I know the one that hangs out behind Egg N' You Diner definitely does (Don't ask. It was dark and I'll live with it for the rest of my life).
Herpes-infested monkeys are notoriously good at hiding things, especially their herpes. Why else would they keep giving it to each other?
Just make sure you pay them in bananas upfront, or else on December 25th, instead of being unwrapped under a tree, Elmo will become a monkey sex toy in one.
Amongst Marco Rubio's water bottles
Ever since poor Marco took with the most awkward political sip since Mitt Romney confused his lemonade with Paul Ryan's piss jug on the campaign bus, Rubio has refused to go near his pantry.
Your presents will be safe nestled amongst his pyramid of ridiculously tiny Poland Spring water bottles.