Seven New Year's Resolutions for Florida
5. Hire Better Bouncers
South Florida bars had a problem with their bouncers in 2013. For some reason, those juiced-up-tribal-tattooed-mouth-breathers thought they were Patrick Swayze in Road House and basically started beating the shit out of anything that made a sudden movement.
See, a funny thing happens when you give assholes cotton T-shirts that say "security." They act like bigger assholes.
4. Save the Manatees!
Fuck the whales! Those idiots got lost in the Everglades.
But the manatees need our help, people! There were 813 manatees -- 16 percent of the population -- killed this year, shattering all previous records. Either those fatsoes owe a shady pod of dolphins some serious seaweed or we need to do a better job of protecting them.
So slow down, boaters! In case you haven't noticed, those gray beanbag chairs underneath the water weren't designed for dodging propellers going 30 miles per hour.
3. Stop Shooting People
Unless you're being pummeled by an ogre in a security T-shirt or attacked by a herpes-infected monkey, don't shoot.
Even if you're legally allowed to do it, that doesn't mean you should. Hell, legally I'm allowed to shove as many grapes up my bum as I want, but that doesn't mean you'll find wine in my toilet bowl.
2. Legalize It!
Photo by Molly Bergen
2014 might see some serious strides for Florida's medical marijuana legislation. So let's get out there and vote, Floridians! Just, please, don't eat anyone's face. We don't have a good track record with drugs and face-eating.
And sweet Jesus, if you find yourself in a joint circle with Marco Rubio, please make sure he has a bottle of water handy. On a good day, that man's mouth is like dehydrated sandpaper.