Seven New Year's Resolutions for Florida

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Photo by NASA via Wikipedia Commons
2014 is right around the corner, and with every new year comes the familiar ritual of broken promises known as "New Year's Resolutions." Sure, by January 3, we're usually back to eating chocolate and smoking cigarettes, but that doesn't mean we shouldn't try.

And if there's one state in this great nation that needs some help in 2014, it's Florida. So pay attention, because these are your New Year's resolutions.


7. Be Nicer to Jonathan Martin
The only thing scarier than the voicemail Richie Incognito left for Jonathan Martin was the number of people who listened to it, shrugged, and said, "What's the big deal?"

I think, as a state, we can all make an effort to be nicer to the big guy. Sorry he caused your beloved left guard to lose his starting spot, Dolfans, but let's face it: The only way we were ever heading to a Super Bowl was if Roger Goodell passed a rule that stated every team without an aquatic mammal for a mascot is allowed to use only their feet.

6. Make Our Monkeys Start Wearing Condoms
A lot of so-called "scientists" claim that the wild Rhesus monkeys roaming our state aren't native to Florida. But the fact that they all have herpes proves that these monkeys are Floridians through and through.

In 2014, we need to do a better job of educating our monkey friends. They have thumbs, so there's no excuse not to wrap it up, little guys!


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