Florida's 12 Dumbest Criminals of 2013

Categories: WTFlorida

THE WORST POSSIBLE REASONS FOR GETTING ARRESTED FILES:

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6.) Florida Man Arrested for Punching Police Horse's Ass

Twenty-three-year-old Pedro Arzola was walking down the street near Central Boulevard and Orange Avenue in Orlando in June when a mounted police officer came clopping down the street and asked him and a large group of pedestrians to clear the street and mosey on out of the area.

Arzola reportedly became enraged by this and punched the horse in its ass.

The officer was still on the horse when the incident occurred. The report says Arzola was on his cell phone and ignored police commands.

According to police, authorities had to forcefully grab Arzola before handcuffing him after he kidney-punched Captain the Horse.

He finally complied with police and was promptly arrested.

Arzola was charged with attempting to injure a police horse.

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5.) Florida Man's Son Tells Cops, "Those Are My Daddy's Hoes"

Last June, police got a call that a man had beat and choked a woman he allegedly forced into prostitution.

When cops caught up with the man -- 34-year-old Robert Burton -- they pulled him over.

He had three women and a little kid riding with him in the vehicle at the time. The boy, a 7-year-old, was apparently Burton's and the woman he choked-out's son.

At one point, police asked the boy about the other two women in Burton's car, to which the boy replied, "Those are my daddy's hoes."

Ha. Ha. Kids say the darnedest things!

Burton had forced at least six women into prostitution and, aside from being their pimp, was also apparently three of the women's baby daddy, fathering several Lil Burtons with them.

One of the women, an unidentified 31-year-old, had two children with Burton -- one of them being the boy cops spoke with.

THE TOTALLY REASONABLE RESPONSE FILES:

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4.) Florida Man Responds to Eviction by Taking a Shit on a Porch

Jorge Jonathan Cruz-Blanco was evicted from his home.

So he responded in the most reasonable way imaginable for a person who gets kicked out of his place of residence.

He dropped his trousers and took a shit on the landlord's porch.

When cops arrived, Cruz-Blanco tried to explain the heaping pile of human shit on the porch by telling them that he really needed to go to the bathroom.


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3.) Broward Woman Goes Nuts on Dunkin' Donuts Employee

Back in June, Broward resident Taylor Chapman became infamous after a video she shot went viral. The video was meant to embarrass a Dunkin' Donuts employee but instead made Chapman look like an entitled asshole.

In the video, Chapman is seen berating the employee (who manages to keep his cool and remains completely professional) and demands free food. She even gets other customers involved in her tirade.

The grievous horrible thing Dunkin' Donuts failed to do? Give her a receipt for one of her purchases.

Chapman calls the employee who didn't give her a receipt a "dumb bitch" and claims that the employee crossed "my fucking line."

In the video, Chapman claims to have a "business degree," making it totally OK to treat another human being who had nothing to do with the offense like shit, then posting it on the internet.

It also makes it OK to be really, really, ridiculously racist.

Chapman calls the female Dunkin' Donuts employee "a complete cunt sand nigger whore," then confronts her directly when she sees her, saying, "This shit's about to go live, bitch. Right on Facebook."

While this isn't a criminal in the technical sense of the word, it still deserves to be on the list. Because Taylor Chapman is a horrible person.


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2.) Florida Man Stabs Brother Over Missing Mac and Cheese and Spilled Beer

When Randy Zipperer found that his mac and cheese was missing and his brother accidentally spilled his beer while helping him to look for the missing mac and cheese, Zipperer allegedly stabbed his brother in the stomach.

The Volusia County Sheriff's Office says a witness who was at Zipperer's home saw the man get hella angry when his mac and cheese up and disappeared.

His brother then helped him look for the food when he spilled the beer.

The two brothers got into a fight over it all.

And that's when Randy Zipperer got caught in a glass case of emotion and lost his shit, allegedly stabbing his brother with a kitchen knife.

Cops found a small puncture wound in the stabbed Zipperer's stomach. The also found blood leading from the kitchen into the bedroom.

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1.) Florida Woman Draws Dick on Stranger's Car, Leaves Post-It Note Explaining Why

Natasha Myers took her vengeance out on a silver Kia SUV parked at a Publix parking lot located at 1920 Bruce B. Downs Blvd. in Wesley Chapel by scratching a drawing of a big dick on that car with her keys.

When she was done drawing a penis on some random stranger's car, Myers calmly walked into the Publix where she asked a customer service person if she could borrow a Post-it note.

Myers then wrote out a brief message and placed the Post-it on the SUV's windshield.

"Hey I keyed your car," the note read. "You didn't stop for pedestrians as is law. Since no cop to enforce a ticket, this should cover the cost of your fine. Have a good day. P.S. Don't be a dick."

The whole incident was captured on the supermarket's surveillance cameras.

Turns out, the damage to the SUV was $1,240.13 -- a tad more expensive than a ticket for not stopping for pedestrians would've cost.

Cops showed up to Myers' home, where she admitted to being the Dong Sketching Vigilante and was arrested on a charge of criminal mischief.

Natasha Myers is like Batman!

If Batman drew pictures of dongs on criminals rather than beating them up.

Send your story tips to the author, Chris Joseph.

Follow Chris Joseph on Twitter




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