Florida's 12 Dumbest Criminals of 2013
We have criminals, just like every other state.
But we have our own special kind of criminal. Namely, dumb ones.
And because we're never in short supply of dumb criminals, we've decided to scour through our Floriderp files to present to you the 12 dumbest criminals for all of 2013.
This was no easy task, as you might imagine. Because, holy crap were there A LOT of them to choose from. So we broke it down by categories for you.
2013 was a special kind of dumb for Florida criminals.
So sit back, relax, and enjoy the stupid!
THE PENIS FILES:
12.) Florida Woman Bites Boyfriend's Penis for Not Having Sex With Her
According to a Manatee County Sheriff's Office arrest affidavit, Krystle M. Harrison, 19, allegedly bit her boyfriend's penis after he turned her down for sex several times back in May.
After Harrison chomped down on the man's dong, he was able to push her away and ran outside -- which is what one would typically do after having his Johnson bitten.
Harrison followed him outside and continued to argue. She then allegedly scratched his chest as the two continued their fight, the report says.
However, the boyfriend (whose name has not been released) would not complete a sworn affidavit and refused to press charges on his special lady friend.
Bite his dick and scratch his back, and he still loves you? There's a keeper if there ever was one, ladies.
11.) Florida Man Has Penis Bitten by Escort
According to the Orange County Sheriff's Office, Priscilla Vaughn, 29, was arrested in March and charged with attempted murder after she allegedly bit a man in the genitals who had just paid her for sex.
Cops were called to the hotel, located on University Boulevard, shortly after 2 a.m. that day.
Cops were told by several callers that they heard screaming and growling. They arrived to the room to find the victim naked on the floor, covered in blood. They also found a naked Vaughn in the room with blood all over her face.
The victim was reportedly going in and out of consciousness and bleeding not only from his genital area but also from his face and head. The man also had bite marks on his hands and stomach.
10.) Florida Man Takes Out Penis Trying to Pick Up Woman in Front of Her Kids
Adam Justin Griffith spotted himself a gorgeous lady playing with her kids in the playground at the Anderson Snow Sports Complex. He apparently needed to meet her and inquire if she was single or not.
So he decided to approach her by laying down the smoothest pickup maneuver possible: by walking up to her and her kids with his penis hanging out of his pants.
As he sat in his Acura MDX several parking spots away, observing the mother and children getting ready to leave, Griffith allegedly took it out and began fondling himself.
The mother spotted Griffith playing with Little Griffith and put the children in the car. She then called 911.
He then approached the driver's-side window and leaned into it.
"Damn girl," he reportedly said to her. "You're fine. Do you have a man?"
All this while his dick was still hanging out of his pants. Smooth operator.
Unfortunately for him, Griffith's master game was cock-blocked by deputies responding to the 911 call.
THE HIDING DRUGS IN YOUR ASS AND/OR COOCH FILES:
9.) Florida Woman Hides Bags of Drugs in Her Vagina
When cops pulled Port St. Lucie resident Jayme Nicole Poma, 23, over for a traffic violation back in March, they found that there was an active warrant out for her arrest for failure to appear in court.
So the cops hauled her off to jail.
But this was only the beginning of what would be a pretty bad day for Poma. Because, upon patting her down at the station, they found she had a couple of hidden bags of cocaine and pot on her person.
And by "on her person," we mean inside her vagina.
During the patdown, a female officer noticed a purple sock in Poma's panties. When the sock was removed, the deputy spotted a plastic baggy hanging out of Poma's cooch.
Poma was ordered to hand over the baggy, where police found a small amount of marijuana.
At this, the deputy ordered Poma to squat and cough, which was a good idea, because, as it turned out, another bag fell out of her twat.
This one had cocaine in it.
8.) Florida Man Hides a Whole Bunch of Drugs Inside His Ass
Kamon Holobaugh, 24, was driving his Ford Escape around 3 a.m. on the morning of April 23 when he flashed the vehicle's high beams at a police officer.
The cop, thinking Holobaugh needed assistance, pulled him over at the post office located at 50 W. Midway Road.
When the officer approached the vehicle, he noticed Holobaugh sweating profusely and looking nervous. He also had his pants unzipped (Holobaugh. Not the cop.)
Holobaugh complied with a request for the officer to search his Ford Escape.
The cop soon noticed several small white pills falling onto the floor by the driver's side. More pills fell onto the floor mat at Holobaugh's feet.
When Holobaugh exited the car, the officer noted he was walking around awkwardly.
That's when he told the officer he "may have some needles between his cheeks," according to the report.
The cop searched Holobaugh's ass and found a bag of unused needles there.
Holobaugh then said he "believed there was more pills in his anus."
7.) Florida Woman Hides Crack in Her Vagina
According to Okaloosa County Sheriff's deputies, a Jeep was pulled over by cops on U.S. Highway 90 for faulty tag lights on the evening of March 9.
A K-9 unit then checked out the vehicle and found some pot on the passenger floorboard.
Little did cops know that trying to hide weed on the floorboard was the least of where other contraband was supposedly hidden by the passenger.
The Jeep's passenger, Porcha Gross, was arrested and taken to the county jail for processing.
There, female officers found several pieces of a "cookie" of crack cocaine hidden in her vagina during the cavity search.