Five People You'll See During Black Friday at Sawgrass Mills
And then fill them with a crapload of perfumes from Perfumania.
These people literally just ate Thanksgiving dinner and are now dragging their kids out of bed at 3:30 in the morning so they can get a jumpstart on getting in line for that Play Station 4 that they could wait until Monday to buy online. This is borderline child abuse, as the kids go through all kinds of emotional ups and downs throughout the day: from crusty-eyed and groggy to midmorning sugar rush to euphoria to mild depression to discount-induced psychosis. Really, the kids are here to act as buffers for crazy moms looking to get to that XBox-1 or to be a part of the Tag-Teamers (see number 4). But it's mostly some sort of quasi-child labor thing. But don't worry, kids. An Aunt Annie's pretzel awaits you as your prize for your hard work and for screwing with your body's sleep cycle.
1. The Tramplers
Yeah, you know these people. They're at every mall in America during this time of year. But the Sawgrass trampler is extra-special, because the mall affords so many places where you can get knocked over and have your skull crushed underfoot due to crazy low prices.
There's the Nike Outlet store, where people will throw tridents at one another to get their hands on a pair of LeBron sneakers.
There's Burlington Coat Factory, where you'll get shivved with a makeshift knife carved from a toothbrush for those winter boots that the person will never ever wear because we live in fucking Florida.
There's the GAP Outlet store, where the lines are literally a maze of confusion and where it's every man for himself for those colorful scarves that are 70 percent off.
And, of course, there's every women's shoe store, where people battle in gladiatorial games in which the victor gets several pairs of shoes while the loser gets mauled by a tiger.