Five Thoughts on the Dolphins Victory Over the Browns

The Miami Dolphins faced the Browns to open the NFL season on Sunday and proceeded to hand the city of Cleveland more misery by taking the 23-10 win.

It was a helluva way to start the season. A win is a rare things around these parts -- particularly an opening-weekend win.

But even as we all settle into Victory Monday and the Dolphins start the season with the 1-0 good vibes, there were still some things to learn.

Here now are five thoughts on the Dolphins' victory over the Browns that are sure to piss in your morning coffee:

Solid Road Win
This is one of those games folks will call a "solid road victory." Solid road victories are hardy. Like Chunky Soup! But when you consider that it was against the Browns, who haven't won a home opener since Mambo No. 5 was topping the charts, it's not that great of an achievement. But Chunky Soup beats the hell of what we're used to around here, which is you opening a can of soup and then the Dolphins shitting in it. And then you're forced to eat shitty soup. We've really derailed here with the soup analogy.

A Win Despite No Running Game? Bah!
The Dolphins running game rushed for 20 total yards. Holy cat balls, how the crap did we win this game???

Behind an atrocious offensive line, with a pair of middling running backs, Miami basically ran the football like old people fuck. Ryan Tannehill being able to rip through the Browns' shit defense gave us some solace. Because it seems that the only way to watch this team's offense is to do so with an opium suppository shoved up our ass. Otherwise, we're in for a long, painful season.

The Dolphins running game is very bad. Very, very bad.

Meanwhile, ex-Dolphin Reggie Bush racked up roughly a billion total yards from scrimmage for the Lions, who had the ingenious idea to use him in their passing game with screens and dump-offs. THAT'S SMART FOOTBALL BY YOU, LIONS. Lamar Miller, meanwhile, ran the ball ten times for three yards. Donald Daniel Thomas ended the day with 14 yards and a touchdown. Keep in mind that Thomas' bones are made of porcelain, and it's only a matter of time before he suffers an injury that gets him out of the lineup. Which means Miller and his three fucking yards are all we'll have to lean on going forward.


Brian Hartline had a great game. He caught nine passes for 114 yards, including a 34-yard connection with Ryan Tannehill. Brian Hartline loves cats.

Incidentally, how many of us thought Hartline would blow up the way he did with Wallace on the field? You did? LIAR.

Hartline is turning into a consistent performer, so it'll be interesting to see how he does when teams start covering him better. Tannehill seems to like throwing to him, so we'll see.

Some of you may want to pick up Hartline for your fantasy team. We assure you this will only lead you to want to ram your face into a bus. But hey, go for it. God knows he'll bust out for 80 points the minute you bench or drop him.

The Dolphins are gonna Dolphin.

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