Eight Reasons San Antonio Is the Worst Place Ever
So last night didn't exactly go as planned. Thanks to some Globetrotter gymnastics on the part of Tony Parker, San Antonio took the lead in the NBA finals 1-0. Something certainly kick-started the old-ass Spurs on the court. It might have just been the fact that they were playing for all the marbles.
In San Antonio, they call this the beaux-arts.
But we have another theory: The players were just so ramped-up to be in a great American city for once, their game jumped to a whole new level. See, the Spurs play in San Antonio, a snoozeville truck stop between Chicago and Mexico. Miami's big-city, internationally recognized badassery rubbed off on the visiting team.
Just to illustrate our point, we worked up a field guide on how terrible San Antonio really is.
8. It's in Texas. Yup. Lone Star staters like to act as if Texan roots automatically grant you preferred seating in heaven, but let's be honest: Texas is like the shitty neighborhood every town seems to have out by the landfill, only if you scooped up all the people there, landed them in oil country, and genetically modified them to have an outsized sense of entitlement and self-worth.
7. Sure, the Alamo is cool to look at, but it's racist. Since Santa Ana's armies overran the patch of turf in 1836, "Remember the Alamo" has become some sort war-whoop-cum-branding-scheme-cum-drunk-frat-boy-chant. But really, the whole story, or how we seem to always portray it, just reaffirms a nasty white-man-versus-brown-man thing. See: the 136 Sociology degree thesis papers on file at the Wesleyan College library.