Marco Rubio to Deliver GOP State of the Union Response
Republicans have announced that Charisma Boy! himself,
President Sen. Marco Rubio, will be delivering their response to President Barack Obama's State of the Union address next Tuesday.
House Speaker John Boehner (R-Orangefaceville) and Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Droopydogburg) hand-picked Rubio for the job, because he's gonna make a superserious run for the presidency in 2016.
Rubio released a statement filled with GOPer big government smash! talking points confirming the news:
"I'm honored to have this opportunity to discuss how limited government and free enterprise have helped make my family's dreams come true in America. Limited government and free enterprise are the very foundation of what makes America special and separates us from the world, particularly through our strong middle class. I look forward to laying out the Republican case of how our ideas can help people close the gap between their dreams and the opportunities to realize them."
Sure he'll be spewing out the same old tired '"imited governmentz" and "free enterprizes" and "strong middle class fairy dust" talking points we've heard from the Republicans again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again.
Only this time, it'll be different because it'll be delivered with CHARISMA!
The GOPers are, of course, banking on Rubio to come through with a solid performance and not Bobby Jindal all over himself.
And while Rubio will be speaking when everyone has changed the channel and the only people left in front of the TV are old people who fell asleep on the couch during Jeopardy and the entire staff at Fox News headquarters, it's still important to come through with a big-game performance.
This is the place where 2016 dreams will be realized, bros.
"Marco Rubio is one of our party's most dynamic and inspiring leaders. He carries our party's banner of freedom, opportunity, and prosperity in a way few others can. His family's story is a testament to the promise and greatness of America," Boehner said in a statement.
Carry that banner of freedom, Charisma Boy! An entire party of old white rich dudes is counting on you not to fuck it up!