LeBron James and Dwyane Wade Brought the Ruckus Against the Feisty Sacramento Kings
The Sacramento Kings putting up 129 points on the Miami Heat at the Triple-A and forcing two overtimes is as absurd as IKEA selling meat.
And yet, there it is.
The Kings came into Miami's house, put their feet up on the table, ate all the food, and scratched their balls on our couch. A feisty bunch indeed.
However, the Miami Heat happen to employ two of the most scrotum-smashing, ultimate performers of feats of face-melting kickassery in LeBron James and Dwyane Wade. So the Kings had to pack their shit and go home.
But not before getting their hopes and dreams of a major upset smashed into tiny particles of nothingness by the score of 141-129.
LeWade combined for 79 points while they punched Sacramento in the ass, stretched the Heat's winning steak to 12 games, and then walked away in slow motion as cars exploded behind them.
Wade has nicknamed himself WoW (Way of Wade), which is silly and arbitrary and, yes, corny.
But he can call himself whatever he damned well wants, as long as he keeps being the human flame thrower that he's been (especially come playoff time!).
Wade poured in 39 points on 19-for-28 shooting and continued his hot streak of metal-melting awesomeness that would be stealing all the headlines and winning all the monthly awards the NBA has to give if only LeBron James hadn't been going supernova on opponents' faces himself.
LeBron James is such an asshole.
LeBron, who has made February and the entire National Basketball Association his personal punching bag, has become the six-foot-eight, 250-pound embodiment of God's foot in people's asses.
James threw down 40 points on 14-for-23 shooting, gobbled up eight rebounds, and dished out 16 dimes, finishing the month at 64.06 percent shooting, which hasn't been done since Russia was called the USSR and had nuclear missiles that could evaporate the entire planet.
Now, the Heat has that.
It's simply awe-inspiring absurdness what James is doing with a basketball.
LeBron has simply taken the LeBron vs. Jordan, LeBron vs. Kobe, and Who Will WIn the MVP debates, stuffed them into a circus canon, lit the fuse with his dick, and fired them into the sun.
In the final overtime, LeBron outplayed the entire Sacramento Kings (and some of the old Seattle Supersonics to boot).
While the Kings, as a team, scored five points, LeBron scored 11.
While the Kings, as a team, went 2-for-8 in shots, LeBron went 3-for-3.
While the Kings, as a team, grabbed zero rebounds, LeBron grabbed three.
While the Kings, as a team, dished out one assist, LeBron dished out three.
While the game itself was as annoying as an inner-ear infection, the result was fun. Yes, the Heat defense decided that today was a good day to dip their balls in the soft-serve ice cream machine and allowed the most points scored on them by an opponent this year. And yes, Chris Bosh is still lost in some nebulous alternate universe and has been replaced by a rake with a wig.
But the Heat have won 12 straight, are in the driver's seat in the East, and have not one face-smashing basketball team demolisher but two. And one of them is having a season that, quite frankly, might just usher in the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Or might scare the shit out of them, sending them back to the fiery abyss whence they came.
"We're coming together," James said afterward. "We're doing it the right way. We're executing offensively. We're sharing the ball. And we're not getting rattled. We've been in some crazy games. We just stay the course and figure out a way to get the victory."