Jeffrey Loria Wrote Everyone a Letter; All Is Well Again!
Marlins owner Jeffrey Loria has had just about enough of all the criticism and finger-pointing at his taking a giant heaping dump on South Florida and baseball in general, thank you.
So it's time to tell HIS SIDE OF THE STORY.
And so he did. Loria took out a full-page ad in the Sunday editions of the Miami Herald, Palm Beach Post, and Sun Sentinel titled "Letter to Our Fans."
And, predictably, it was filled with the delusional, myopic dipshittery we've all come to know him for.
The letter, we assume, is an intent to smooth things over with fans. Instead, it's just a long-worded creed on how the media tell lying lies and that it's everybody's fault but Jeffrey Loria's. Also, he once signed Pudge Rodriguez.
Below are some excerpts. You can go make your eyes bleed by reading the entire letter here.
LETTER TO OUR FANS It's no secret that last season was not our best -- actually it was one of our worst. In large part, our performance on the field stunk and something needed to be done. As a result of some bold moves, many grabbed hold of our tough yet necessary decision only to unleash a vicious cycle of negativity
We had to respond to our own middling baseball decisions, such as signing an aging closer past his prime and giving him millions and millions of dollars by doing something. And what better way to do something than by GETTING RID OF EVERYBODY while simultaneously pissing off our lone star player in the process. But it's the damned media's fault for reporting this stuff and thus making me look bad. Knock it off, media!
As the owner of the ballclub, the buck stops with me and I take my share of the blame where it's due.
The buck stops with me. Well, part of the buck anyway. Let's say, 13 percent of the buck. OK, 7 percent. That's a heckuva lot of buck, if you ask me. I mean, I'm no buck expert. But 7 percent buck? C'mon! That's, like, almost 10!
However, many of the things being said about us are simply not true. I've sat by quietly and allowed this to continue. Now it's time for me to respond to our most important constituents, the fans who love the game of baseball.
Yes, we traded away big-name players even though we promised them and you that we wouldn't. But it's LIES! ALL LIES! We didn't trade Jose Reyes for midlevel minor league. He's just hiding. HAHAHAHAHA baseball is the tits, right? BASEBALL.
The controversial trade we made with the Toronto Blue Jays was approved by Commissioner Bud Selig and has been almost universally celebrated by baseball experts outside of Miami for its value.
And by "universally celebrated by baseball experts," I mean my savvy team of Yes Men, and David Samson! Because no one anywhere said this was a good trade. But I say to you that it is because, as we already established, you and I agree that baseball = tits.
We hope, with an open mind, our community can reflect on the fact that we had one of the worst records in baseball. Acquiring high-profile players just didn't work, and nearly everyone on our team underperformed as compared to their career numbers.
Again, I signed checks for HIGH-PROFILE PLAYERS, like Heath Bell and John Buck, and FOR SOME WEIRD INEXPLICABLE REASON, they both blew ass. Their career numbers just didn't add up, except to everybody who warned us not to sign them. Weird.
Our plan for the year ahead is to leverage our young talent and create a homegrown roster of long-term players who can win.
Even though our minor league system is a giant resin bag of broken assholes and dicks.
The very same naysayers who are currently skeptical once attacked us for bringing Pudge Rodriguez to the Marlins in 2003. More than any other, that move contributed to our World Series Championship.
PUDGE RODRIGUEZ. Remember that guy? He helped us win the World Muthafuckin Series TEN YEARS AGO. Suck it, naysayers! Suck it hard.
THE BALLPARK The ballpark issue has been repeatedly reported incorrectly and there are some very negative accustations being thrown around. It ain't true, folks. Those who have attacked us are entitled to their own opinions, but not their own facts.
The city is not billions in debt now due to our stadium, even though renowned financial experts who have nothing to gain in saying so have said otherwise. It ain't true, folks. (See how folksy and down-to-earth I am? You appreciate that because you love baseball.)
Fans didn't turn out last season as much as we'd like, even with the high-profile players the columnists decry us having traded.
Heath Bell strangely did not attract fans. This is because of the media. And since the media fail to recognize that I once signed Pudge Rodriguez, they told people that Heath Bell sucked AND THEN IT CAME TRUE.
Are we fiscally capable and responsible enough to fill the roster with talented players, invest in the daily demands of running a world-class organization and bring a World Series back to Miami? Absolutely!
Meaningless, arbitrary rhetorical question used to defend a baseless thing? INDUBITABLY!
COMMUNICATION An organization is only as good as its connection with the community. We know we can do a better job communicating with our fans.
Which is why I took exactly six months to write this letter to you all!
Amidst the current news coverage, it an be easy to forget how far we went together not so long ago. In 2003, I helped bring a second World Series title to South Florida.
Again, the media refuse to acknowledge that I helped bring a champion here like a decade ago, and even though since then we've been a loaded potato of deer shit, PUDGE RODRIGUEZ.
We know how to build a winning team, and have every intention of doing so again.
We gave Heath Bell THREE YEARS when no one else dared because it was really fucking dumb. And once, we traded away the future AL MVP and Batting Champ just before he entered his prime for a couple of minor leaguers that are now working at Target and Geico, respectively. WHAT MORE PROOF DO YOU NEED??
I know you share my passion for great Marlins baseball, my love of MIami and my desire to win again. We're in this together and I humbly ask that we start fresh, watch us mature quickly as a ball club, and root for the home team in 2013.
Fuck you all. Fuck you all so VERY hard.