BCS Championship: Why We're Not Rooting For Either Alabama or Notre Dame Tonight

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Notre Dame Has A Long Line of Douchebag Former Players: It all starts with douchebag Rudy, who was just some obnoxious asshole who was able to finagle his way onto the team by being an obnoxious asshole, and then who spent his entire life milking the shit out the two or three minutes he spent on the field. Then there's douchebag Ron Powlus, who was touted by the media as the Next Big Thing, even while his college career turned to shit before America's eyes. While barely in high school, douchebag quarterback Jimmie Clausen was once the topic of an ESPN report talking about how amazeballs this kid was going to be. So it made perfect sense that a player overrated by the media would sign with a program that was equally overrated by the media. Like Powlus before him, Clausen's college (and pro) career was a complete and utter fucking failure. Joe Thiesman also played for Notre Dame, and, in typical douchey Notre Dame player fashion, changed the pronunciation of his name so it could rhyme with "Heisman." He didn't win the Heisman, but kept the pronunciation. Because he's a douchebag.

Alabama's Mascot and Name Make No Goddamn Sense: Alabama's mascot is an elephant. Their name is The Crimson Tide. Neither of these things makes any fucking sense. Apparently, some sports writer in the 1930s described the players as elephants, and so the name stuck, which is not only lazy but exactly what you would expect from Backwater Goober U. The Crimson Tide name apparently was also from an old sports writer who covered the team during a game where the field was played on red mud when players wore leather helmets and no blacks were allowed to play or be anywhere near the stadium. So basically, Alabama's name and mascot are based on people saying random shit about their team, and everyone else being too fucking lazy and stupid to change it.

George: Well Wilber, Monty sayed ahwer players look like dag gum elephaants, so why nawt make that ahwer mascot?

Wilber: *spits out tobacco* Nerrderrmerr Nyerrhmerr Hnerr.

George: Okey theyn. A Elephaant it is.

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3 comments
winsomelosesome
winsomelosesome topcommenter

Edwin Pope once wrote about Alabama fans attending an Orange Bowl game,  "They arrive with $10 and a white shirt.......... And don't change either one."

FatHand
FatHand

I like that Chris Joseph is a NewTimes writer that actually knows and cares about South Florida sports, and doesn't still refer to Lebron James as an asshole. Other NT writers should take note.

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