Sheheryar Qazi, Oakland Park Terrorist Suspect: Seminole Valet, DD Manager, and Total Bro (PICTURES)

Categories: Crime
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Interests: clubs, clubbing, going to clubs, and weapons of mass destruction.
Our crack investigative team has uncovered startling information relating to Oakland Park terrorist suspect Sheheryar Qazi.

He appears to be a bro -- that certain genus of man subsisting purely on Jägerbombs and skank -- plays warfare videogames on X-Box, and frequently tries to sell traumatically ugly bikes on Craigslist for prices only a fool would accept. According to his résumé, he's clocked time as a valet for the Seminole Hard Rock Hotel and as a Dunkin' Donuts manager -- and, taken all together, offers a very underwhelming representation of modern (and alleged!) terrorism.

This is not the archetype of chaos and destruction we've come to expect.

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Bitches love my new haircut.

Federal investigators have charged Sheheryar and his brother Raees Alam Qazi, 20, with conspiring to funnel "material support" to terrorists planning to explode a weapon of mass destruction somewhere in the United States. The indictment says the Qazis intended to provide these terrorists with "property, services, funding, lodging, and communications equipment."

But before this alleged nefariousness unfolded, the brothers had already orchestrated a totally separate, multipronged plan. The selling of their X-Box for $230.

In April of 2010, "Kazi" informed Craigslist consumers that he was in a possession of an X-Box 360, "with all the cords," a wireless controller, a 20 gig harddrive, and several games -- Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2, Call of Duty Modern Warfare, Call of Duty World at War, UFC 09, and Fight Night Round 4.

All of this could have been yours, he said, for the reasonable price of $230. "Everything," he assured, "was in good condition." He was also open to bartering, specifically if anyone had something called a "Radeon 5870."

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Jäger Bombs.

This, however, was only the beginning of his Qazi's Craigslist transactions. On four occasions, he's tried to peddle several bicycles -- all of which are hideous and overpriced. Well, except for this one deal he had going for a Fuji mx 260 for $40. That one didn't seem half-bad, and the seat did indeed appear luxurious. (We inquired into its availability and haven't heard back.)

His résumé provided further clues into the makings of a modern Jihad Bro. One, a Jihad Bro must have terrible grammar -- because chicks totally hate smart dudes. Two, a modern Jihad Bro adores the Seminole Hard Rock Hotel, hailing it as "icon in south Flordia and a fine place to work for (sic.)"

Qazi's main responsibility while working at the casino was to "make sure that customer have great experience." His full résumé,

DOC120312-12032012133103.pdf, shows an ascent through the Dunkin' Donuts' hierarchy, which likely made him a premium candidate for the terrorists in their plans of mayhem.

His other skills, beyond fluency in hospitality, is that he's capable of "navigating" keyboards AND Windows = TERRORIST GENIUS.

One more talent? Looking good. Looking very good.

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Muscle milk.



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2 comments
FatHand
FatHand

When you spell your name two different ways on your own resume, you might just be a terrorist genius.

ChazStevensGenius
ChazStevensGenius

>> and as a Dunkin' Donuts manager -- and, taken all together, offers a very underwhelming representation of modern (and alleged!) terrorism.

 Have you ever tried their coffee?

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