Miami Dolphins at Cincinnati Bengals Preview

Categories: Sports
philbin tannehill.jpg

Your 1-3 Miami Dolphins and their 30th ranked pass defense head into Cincinnati this Sunday to take on Andy Dalton and his 103.0 quarterback rating.

Meanwhile, cornerback Richard Marshall won't be playing thanks to a bad back. But don't fret Dolphins fans! He will be replaced with the Human Penalty Flag, Nolan Carroll and his Achilles injury. Also, the guy that used to be a corner but then was forced to go to safety, Jimmy Wilson, will now go back to corner.

Oh but the Dolphins are really good at rushing the passer! Look at what they did to Arizona's quarterback last week! Until he threw for a bunch of yards, tied the game, and beat Miami. Other than that, Yahtzee

Keys to Victory:

1. Disrupt The Red Menace: Andy Dalton has been blowing shit up all year, averaging 270 yards per game with a 67.5 completion percentage, and the aforementioned 103.0 passer rating. The Dolphins erupted with 8 sacks last week, thanks to a mixture of Cameron Wake's awesomeness and Arizona's atrocious offensive line. 

The Bengals O-line has allowed 12 sacks thus far, so they are vulnerable. And if Miami's wants any chance to not get their buttholes blowed up by the Cincinnati offense, the pass rush is going to have to come up big again.

2. The Running Game: Reggie Bush is dinged up. He played last week, but was clearly hampered by injury. The result was a paltry 3-yards-per carry day. 

LaMontelle Pussyhammer sad face

Even though Ryan Tannehill went supernova and obliterated the franchise rookie QB record last week, the Dolphins offense still revolves around LaMontelle, Daniel Vagina Feet Thomas and Lamar Miller. 

Miller is up and down, and still learning the nuances of the pro level. 

LaMontelle has a bum knee. 

Thomas blows ass. 

But Miami doesn't want to get into a shootout with The Red Menace and the Bengals. They're going to want to control the tempo, have long sustained drives, and run things through Reggie first, before having to turn to Tannehill. 

Until they get to the goal line, then it's PREPARE YOURLANEUS TIME.

3. Ryan Tannehill Needs To Grow Up Some More: It's a shitty detail, but Tannehill needs to rise above the mediocrity that is his offense and play better. The talent is there. The ability to throw over 400 yards is there. The ability to shake off mistakes is there. Brian Hartline's mustachioed chipmunk face is there. 

What's not there has been an inability to protect the football. 

As great as he's been and as much as Dolphins fans' pants have been exploding over his potential, Tannehill has been pretty shitty late in games, when the team asks him to lead the charge towards getting the W. He's 1-6 as a starting quarterback in games decided by a touchdown or less, and that includes a 1-4 record as the Texas A&M quarterback. 

He's a rookie. 

He's green. 

He's got plenty of time to grow into a polished NFL quarterback. 

WE JUST NEED HIM TO DO IT RIGHT AWAY, LIKE RIGHT THIS SECOND ALREADY.

4. The Secondary Needs To Not Do That Thing Where They Dive Into A Vat of Zippo Lighter Fluid Before The Game: Seriously. Stop sucking so bad, assholes.

5. Coffee Is For Closers: According to the Elias Sports Bureau, since 2010, no team has been worse in close games down the stretch than the Dolphins. WE'RE THE BEST SUCKIEST TEAM AWWW RIIIIIGHT!! 

That's pretty much been the case this season, with the once reliable Dan Carpenter morphing into a pile of llama shit, Tannehill turning the ball over late in games, and the general cat piss performances out forth by the Dolphins as a whole. They've lost two overtime games this year, and blew leads in both those losses. This needs to stop.

Prediction: Tough to see Miami beating a very good team on the road. Then again, the Rams beat the Cardinals last week and the Saints are winless. So, nothing is certain. 

Except this: Bengals 22 - Dolphins 13





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