Miami Dolphins 2012 Season Preview: Innovators of Suck

Categories: Sports
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Your Miami Dolphins are set to kickoff the 2012 season this Sunday at Houston (a team, incidentally, they have never beaten ever in the entire existence of American tackle football history).

If you haven't noticed, we're living in the golden age of pass-first football. Passing records are falling by the wayside as offenses have abandoned the old "run-first" mentality and are going with the "fuck it -- just throw it a billion times" strategy.

And yet, even with that, the Dolphins are entering the season with a rookie quarterback who started only a handful of games in college, an offense with no-name receivers, and a defensive backfield missing one of its best players.

The Dolphins don't just suck. They're innovators in the realms of sucking. Here, now, is your 2012 season preview. Prepare your anus.

So tell us about this Joe Philbin fella?

Well, he comes from the Green Bay Packers.

Was he their offensive coordinator?

No.

What was he, then?

He worked with the quarterbacks and did stuff.

Oh.

Yeah.

Anyway, Philbin is now a first-time head coach. And he promised to bring a fast-paced game to Miami, which is something we haven't had here in a while.

Did he bring any of the awesome Packers players with him?

No, he did not.

Well, then, how does he expect us to be fast-paced?

No idea.

Well, fuck.

I know. But he has an awesome couch. And he hates it when people say FUCK. Which is bad, because there's going to be a whole lotta FUCKS flying around this season. Except, of course, for the FUCKS that people will stop giving come Week 5.


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26 comments
deanna758
deanna758

@byChrisJoseph I wanna talk to that guy after any college team can win five games with that schedule and we still don't.

OneArrogantSOB
OneArrogantSOB

@byChrisJoseph "Martin has developed"? The only thing Martin has developed so far is a keen sense of defeat and failure...

wbkeene
wbkeene

@byChrisJoseph Dickmugs is still the best word ever.

JFox320
JFox320

@byChrisJoseph Jonathan Martin developed and naanee is picking up the offense. LMAO.

Mike_Disco
Mike_Disco

@byChrisJoseph I stopped reading after "Martin has developed"

LoRyder
LoRyder

@byChrisJoseph holy shit man... if clueless was meth, that guy would be BLUE!

julioruano
julioruano

@byChrisJoseph wow, unreal... in his defense, maybe he just became a fan of the fins this year?

hawkm757
hawkm757

Chris Joseph your a complete IDIOT for writing this article.  You obviously have no idea what your talking about and probably wrote this after having a handle yourself.  1)  Have you looked at our schedule?  A college team could win 5 games with our schedule.  2)  You definitely don't know how to critique offensive lines if you think we are that bad.  Long is pretty much go to go, Martin has developed, Incognito is solid, Pouncey last time I checked was top 10 center in the league and that leaves one question mark.  3)  Tannehill is a lot better than your or other stupid analyst think.  4)  Bess is a possession receiver but he can catch and that moves the chains not to mention Naanee has been picking up the offense better, Hartline should be back soon and oh yeah how about CLAY um yeah exactly he is a beast whom also can catch.  5)  Bush is good and will help Tannehill with time and our backups aren't slouches either.  6)  Oh yeah there is only Wake on our defensive line thats any good....NOT how about Solai, Starks and Odrick.  7)  Sean Smith is paired with a pretty proven corner in Marshall and Jones will excel at safety.  Anyways if I knew you in person I would probably smack you in the face like a little BIOTCH that you are for this article and  I would also place a wager with you.  How can you say 5 wins after looking at our schedule.  You mean to tell me that against Oakland, Arizona, St. Louis, Indi, Tennessee, Seattle and Jacksonville on our schedule we will only win 5!  Geez pathetic and not to mention we will win at least one game against buffalo and the sorry Jets.  After we beat Houston this Sunday then we will see what your retard self has to say.  We will have a winning record.  PERIOD. 

aribeiros18
aribeiros18

Joe Philbin was the Packers OC /ducks 

Jimmy
Jimmy

I had Ireland's face tattooed on my asshole, so I can shit in his mouth every morning. 

 

Admittedly, I am one of the this season is gonna be all puppies and skittles people.  I know its unrealistic, but I have to convince myself how good the Fins are going to be or I could not bet my $10 a week on them. 

Krecinos
Krecinos

@byChrisJoseph b/c finfans prob don't want their asshole separated by a 30 inch D lineman schlong on a friday when it's coming on sundays

ZombieDolfan
ZombieDolfan

@OneArrogantSOB @byChrisJoseph Egnew is gonna catch on quick u guys. Show that he's worth BMarsh

JDGDredd1050
JDGDredd1050

@OneArrogantSOB @byChrisJoseph - I didn't get it at first either. We're being sarcastic. Doesn't always come through w/ text. BUSH>FOSTER!

JDGDredd1050
JDGDredd1050

@JFox320 @byChrisJoseph - Ooooh, we are being facetious. My bad..RT17 is the next Marino!!!1!111!1

byChrisJoseph
byChrisJoseph

@julioruano Doubtful. I know a Zombie when I hear/read one.

loryder
loryder

 @hawkm757  Schedule? What are you smoking? Have you looked at our roster? We have no receivers worth a shit. Our own head coach said you could make the case for getting rid of ALL OF THEM! It doesn't matter how good Tannehill might be if he has no one to throw to. The right side of our offensive line is leakier than a screen door in a submarine. Right guard is now on IR and "Jonathan Martin developed".. .into what? A fucking turnstile? Bush is good. Not great, good. But if the opposing team knows we have no one to throw to, guess what? They'll key on the run, dipshit. Starks, Soliai and Odrick are capable, not great. Sean Smith has two... TWO career interceptions. In four damn years. If Marshall was as good as you say he is, he wouldn't have been available for us to pick up. 

 

I wish I lived in the fantasy world you inhabit, sometimes. But you are delusional to think we will have a winning record. If we win four games,  I'll be shocked this year. You are a moron.

kmayer29
kmayer29

 @hawkm757 YOU'RE. You + are = You're. As in "you're fucking retarded."

chrisjoseph13
chrisjoseph13 writer

 @hawkm757 "Clay is a beast whom also can catch" is an exceptional rebuttable to this article. You, sir, should be doing this for a living. 

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