Dolphins Take Down Raiders 35-13

Categories: Sports
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Holy shit. The Dolphins won.

Oh yes. They so did.

The Miami Dolphins were able to go into Sunday's game against the Raiders and not do that thing where they play like a sack of ass, and were able to dismantle Oakland 35 -13, giving the Fins their first home opener victory since 2005.

The win also made both Joe Philbin and Stephen Ross dance. And it was all due mostly to the ball obliterating performance from Reggie Bush, aka LAMONTELLE PUSSYHAMMER.

Bush jumped onto the Raiders' breakfast table, unzipped his pants, and dipped his cock in their Count Choclua, running the football 26 times for 172 yards and 2 touchdowns, including one for 23 yards and the other for 65 yards.

Meanwhile Ryan Tannehill threw the first touchdown pass of his career and ran for another in a game where he avoided mistakes and, maybe more importantly, didn't get any of his passes batted down.

Tannehill was decisive, at ease in the pocket, and made sharp crisp passes when given time. He was also able to display his Fast Whiteboyness, using his legs to get away from pass rushers, and scoring his very first pro touchdown by running it in.

All in all, a fantastic home debut for the rookie.

(Just, let's everybody calm our shit with the Marino comparisons after one goddamn game, though)

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15 comments
Warthog
Warthog

Need to change the crowd chants from Reg-gie to Pussy-Hammer.

Jimmy
Jimmy

It is no longer a question of if we are going to win the Super Bowl, just by how much.  I just hope we meet the Texans in the Championship so we can avenge our only loss on the season. 

 

Ross is the best owner ever, and I'm glad he hired somebody to coach who can showcase all the talent Jeff Ireland has drafted. 

OneArrogantSOB
OneArrogantSOB

@thefrankness @bychrisjoseph For some I reason, I keep picturing a Jimmy Dean sausage link. So, yannow, thanks for that...

nashmax73
nashmax73

@byChrisJoseph This Sunday is the clash of the Troglodytic Derps versus the Zombie Dolphins. #MustSeeTV

TheBDHill
TheBDHill

@bychrisjoseph I desperately want to do the Count Chocula move... and do the Raji dance standing on the table.

MannydelRio
MannydelRio

@byChrisJoseph Im a better man for reading this recap and will forever tell my friends I will dip my cock in their Count Chocula in victory

evilmiamimonkey
evilmiamimonkey

@byChrisJoseph "...dipped his cock in their Count Choclua". Nice :)

johnjonesdrink
johnjonesdrink

@byChrisJoseph: The only way to make Count Choclua better is to have it with a dip of Lamontelle Pussyhammer balls.

ipeneIope
ipeneIope

@byChrisJoseph I just got slapped around in the breakroom.... because I fainted... after being Draper'd!

OneArrogantSOB
OneArrogantSOB

@byChrisJoseph Love wins. But somehow it's more fun writing about this team when they shit the bed and fall back to sleep in it.Not sure why

OneArrogantSOB
OneArrogantSOB

@byChrisJoseph They give away boxes of dicks at home openers? Maybe that's the way to get my wife to join me at a game...

byChrisJoseph
byChrisJoseph

@OneArrogantSOB I don't know about more fun. But misery definitely makes for better jokes.

ZombieDolfan
ZombieDolfan

@OneArrogantSOB Was thinking the same thing!

OneArrogantSOB
OneArrogantSOB

@byChrisJoseph That's the better way to say it....

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