Bike to the Everglades! An Illustrated Beginner's Guide to Not Dying
Categories: That Which Does Not Kill Us, Transportation
Every time you get to one of the north-south roads that shoots off of 84, you won't be allowed to just cross (although we took our chances and made the dash). Instead, signs will tell you to go "USE PED SIGNAL."
Okay. Say you're a good, law-abiding citizen. And you've made it this far, so you want to stay alive a while longer. You make a sharp left and walk your bike awkwardly along the sidewalk to the PED SIGNAL. Annnnddd.... drumroll please... here it is:
Yup. Just about every single one of the crossings is under construction. The PED SIGNAL has no buttons, nothing but a sad solitary stick figure walking in what is clearly the wrong direction.
Your FDOT taxpayer dollars have now afforded you the opportunity to try and make a mad dash through the really, really shabby crosswalk, at the mercy of the constant flow of right-turn drivers who have the green (we may or may not have screamed "FUCK YOU OLD MAN" at one old man who nearly ran into us). If you need advice on how to not die during this segment, ask the Homeless Voice vendor for some pro tips.
There's good news, though. If you make it all this, you'll eventually get to IKEA. This is where you stop and get some coffee and $2 breakfast, or Swedish meatballs. You'll be feeling the burn and needing some fuel at this point. Then, take the path alongside 84 on the south side of the canal, where you can watch multiple green iguanas scurry into the water as you approach.
Congratulations, intrepid biker. You have almost reached your destination.
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Your FDOT taxpayer dollars have now afforded you the opportunity to try and make a mad dash through the really, really shabby crosswalk, at the mercy of the constant flow of right-turn drivers who have the green (we may or may not have screamed "FUCK YOU OLD MAN" at one old man who nearly ran into us). If you need advice on how to not die during this segment, ask the Homeless Voice vendor for some pro tips.
There's good news, though. If you make it all this, you'll eventually get to IKEA. This is where you stop and get some coffee and $2 breakfast, or Swedish meatballs. You'll be feeling the burn and needing some fuel at this point. Then, take the path alongside 84 on the south side of the canal, where you can watch multiple green iguanas scurry into the water as you approach.
Congratulations, intrepid biker. You have almost reached your destination.
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