Super Bowl Live Blog From Louis the Clueless Orphan Sports Fan

Categories: Sports
oliver-twist.jpeg
A photo from Louis' childhood.
Louis did not have an average childhood. An orphan, he was taken in by kindly nuns, but now he's 30 years old and the nuns finally convinced him to move out. He was raised to be a kind and forgiving gentleman, but his experience in the orphanage had one blind spot -- American football.

He enjoys other sports -- jai alai in particular -- so he really wants to get into this one too. We felt Louis' innocent take on the game would be refreshing, so we asked if we could transcribe his thoughts on the game for you. He agreed, partly because he thinks it will be interesting but mostly because we told him we'd be friends with him if he did. 

So here is Louis' first encounter with football, in real time.

6:03 p.m.: This is so exciting! The game's about to start and I'm going to -- oh. A commercial? Already?

6:10 p.m.: Who's this Danny Woodhead kid? It's cool that a middle schooler can grow a soul patch, but why did he get introduced with the Patriots? Did he get a Make-A-Wish?

6:20 p.m.: Is it taking so long to start the game because they want to give everybody a chance to bet? Put me down for a perfecta box on Eli Manning, that Kiwanuka guy, and Kelly Clarkson.

Q1, 14:22: He threw it! Manning threw it at that other guy, but he caught it. Does that mean Manning is out? I hated dodge ball at the orphanage. They made us use rocks.

Q1, 9:14: Whoa whoa whoa. He kicked it? That guy grabbed the ball and kicked it! Did he just want to get rid of it so we'd have a few extra minutes for Audi commercials?

Q1, 8:52: Why are the Patriots so mad? You'd think they would love flags.

Q1, 6:46: Where does that yellow line go in between plays? Is there a guy in charge of rolling it up? He's probably as busy as the orphanage's teddy bear cremator. That kid was sad, but they gave him an extra bowl of soup every once in a while. I hope they give the yellow line guy an extra bowl of soup every once in a while.

Q1, 3:24: I don't get it. You get six points for dancing?

Q1, 3:22: Now I'm really confused. We come back from commercial, some guy kicks it, and we go back to commercial. This is going to take forever. Please pass the chips. Why does this Al Michaels guy keep saying Woodhead is returning the kick when the jersey says Edelman? Is "Woodhead" Edelman's nickname? That's an awful nickname.

--

Q2, 13:48: Are you having fun watching this? Every time something happens the TV tries to sell me beer and sedans. World's fastest game this is not. I have work at 9 tomorrow; is it going to be over by then?

Q2, 10:10: I want one of those black face shields. Those guys look awesome. Do they give you one after you give out your 25th concussion?

Q2, 4:20: When are they going to put in that guy they've been talking about, the one who caught the ball with his head? What do you mean, that was his last game? What do you mean he said he'd trade that catch to get rid of gay marriage? What's gay marriage? I miss my parents.

Q2, 2:00: (After Louis saw the The Avengers commercial and that Teleflora/porn ad, he passed out face-down in the nachos. We're trying to revive him. He just keeps mumbling "Adriana... Adriana... give... receive...")

Q2, 1:00: (Louis woke up, saw the talking eTrade baby and passed out again. This is a lot for him.)

Q2, 0:08: The Make-A-Wish kid scored a touchdown? WHAT IS THIS GAME? My stomach hurts.

--

Halftime: What's halftime? They just take a break? OH GOD WHY ARE THERE GLADIATORS? I had a nightmare like this one time after we snuck a copy of 300 past Sister Martha. She was the oldest lady I've ever seen. Actually, I think that's her! What? That's Madonna?

Halftime 2: Who is that Roman-looking dude on the tightrope? I wonder what his day job is. We had at a kid at the orphanage who liked to play on a tightrope. He ran away one day to join the circus but he became a heroin dealer instead.

--

Q3, 14:25: Wait. "Ochocinco" is his name?

Q3, 13:25: This is the same thing over and over again: Throw the ball, catch the ball, roll around in a pile of fat guys. Can we watch "60 Minutes" please?

--

Q4, 14:17: Oh! When the quarterback throws it, the other team is allowed to catch it? Why don't they do that every time? Is that Brady guy crying? Nobody cries in jai alai. That has to be a penalty, right?

Q4, 6:18: Oh, Tuck. His name is Tuck. Got it. Well either way, that metal thing protecting his face looks like he stole it from a Spartan.

Q4, 2:00: Is this exciting again? I thought maybe it was exciting again. It would probably be pretty cool to hold one of those big orange poles on the sidelines. Hey, they're getting close to the part of the field where you have to dance!

Q4, 0:58: GIANTS SCORE! YAY! You like the Giants, right? Why do-- oh. It's bad to score now? Is it because he didn't dance? I think sitting down counts as a dance.

Q4, 0:57: So Branch dropped that on purpose right? That's part of the strategy? Oh he's just terrible. Got it.

Q4, 0:39: I bet Eli Manning drools when he's at home.

Q4, 0:00: Who's Peyton Manning?
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