Republican Primary Quiz: Whom Should You Vote For?

Categories: Politics, Politics
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In case you were not aware, Florida's Republican primary is tomorrow, at which time thousands of Florida Republicans will emerge to support somebody and give the media a fresh narrative to invent and take into the upcoming caucuses. But it's perfectly natural to feel a little anxiety when it comes time to pull that magic lever or punch that card or lick that stamp or however it is you choose to vote.

Relax -- we're here to help, and we've developed a handy quiz to aid you in deciding which of the fine candidates to vote for come Tuesday. Instructions for calculating your results are at the end.

1. How much money would you prefer the president to have?
A) At least twice as much as the previous eight presidents combined.
B) Enough to pay $300,000 in ethics violation penalties.
C)
 As much as he could rake in with consulting fees after being voted out of the Senate -- so, a lot.
D) Doesn't matter, so long as he's got it all secured in gold.

2. What's your stance on sexual intercourse?
A) It should only happen between a man and his wife.
B) It should only happen between a man and other people's wives.
C) Sex is icky.
D) None of your goddamned business.

3. Whom would you prefer the president to have resembled as a young man?
C) McLovin 

4. Which alternative definition would you prefer the president's name to have?
A) A thing you use to catch a baseball.
B) A cute little lizard that breeds in the water.
C) "A sex act that would make his big, white teeth fall out of his big, empty head."
D) Ron Paul

5. Should the federal government legalize gay marriage?
A) No
B) No
C) No
D) No

Calculating your results and what they mean:

You answered majority 'A': You're a Mitt Romney voter. You're a sucker for a nice smile and hair that blows in the breeze, just like 43 percent of Florida Republicans.

You answered majority 'B': You're going for Newt Gingrich. Seeing a president who's made so very many gross moves would make you feel better about your own transgressions.

You answered majority 'C': That'd be Rick Santorum, because anyone who doesn't look and act like you is really freaky and probably shouldn't be allowed to go outside and stuff.

You answered majority 'D': You're a Ron Paul supporter. You've watched some of the debates and think he manages to make good points while still being adorable.


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4 comments
Chuck Silva
Chuck Silva

How about some numbers:

Need to Nominate 1,144. (available) 2,177. N Gingrich 27. W Romney 67. R Paul 9. R Santorum 6. Total 2,286. 

109 total delegates allocated. Not even 5% of the total. None of them are anywhere close to the 1,144 needed to win the nomination. 

Anyone talking about a clear republican nominee at this point is merely trying to get people to accept their choice. 

Don't treat these primaries or this upcoming election like it's a football game between the Republicans and the Democrats. Research, analyze, decide and vote. The only vote that is wasted is a vote that is not cast. If you look at the straw polls starting in 2011, you'll see an interesting pattern--Ron Paul at or near the top in virtually every poll. http://www.thegreenpapers.com/...

Dean Berry
Dean Berry

A FOREIGN NATION HAS COMPLETELY TAKEN OVER AMERICA'S ELECTIONS. If a politician is not a member of the Council On Foreign Relations ( http://jbs.org/ ) - a "jewish" front - he won't receive maximum funding. Nor will he be covered by America's OVERWHELMINGLY "jewish" media.  

In addition, "jewish" companies manufacture our voting machines: 

- ELRON/VOXEO is owned by an israeli ("jewish") defense firm.  A defense contractor wants to make voting machines why?  http://tinyurl.com/JewsDecideW...

- DIEBOLD is owned by "jew" George Soros.http://tinyurl.com/JewsTakingO...

NOW ...results from our elections will be broadcast through the "jewish" companies Google and Twitter. 

THE "JEWS" ARE A FOREIGN NATION!  THEY ENJOY DUAL CITIZENSHIP BUT THEIR MAIN LOYALTY IS TO COUNTERFEIT ISRAEL.  IF YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT POLITICS YOU'RE AT THE MERCY OF THOSE WHO DO!http://tinyurl.com/JewsOwnAmer...

gigione
gigione

Fun article. Ron Paul is the only one who has common sense. Listening to the others, it amazed me how really bad they would be for the country at this time in history.  Obama is a nice guy...inexperienced...listened to the wrong people in his administration.  The only candidate that would bring really needed change would be Ron Paul. 

Pete Pepper
Pete Pepper

Can we have "none of the above"?  I kinda feel bad for the republicans this year.  Their candidates are either grossly moronic, completely insane, downright evil, or all of the above.  I am not rich so would never vote republican anyway, but I still feel bad for them.  Perhaps one day they will get over their fear of the black man in office and stop acting like spoiled two year olds.  Would make the world a much better place.

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