Drug Testing for Welfare Recipients? Here's a Test-Beating Guide for the Poor

Categories: Politics
drugtest47.jpg
Let's say, for argument's sake, that you smoke a little weed now and then. Now let's imagine your HR department orders you to take a random drug test. If you're a person of any financial means, chances are you'll procure a fairly failsafe way to beat the test, like a fake penis full of fake urine.

(Seriously, they make fake penises full of fake urine.)

But now imagine a day in the near future, if Gov. Rick Scott gets his way, that welfare recipients will be forced to submit to drug testing. Plopping down a couple hundred bucks on plastic genitalia doesn't fit the budget of many on welfare. So here then are five ways to help beat a drug test for those on a tight budget.

If You're Going to Smoke, Diet
The idea of eating less while smoking weed might seem counter-intuitive, but the active drug in pot is stored in fat tissue. That means the THC hiding in your beer belly gives you a better chance of failing the test. So next time you get the munchies, remember that Uncle Sam might cut off your rent money if you grab another bag of Doritos.

When Possible, Delay
Smoke a doobie the morning before a test and you can bet you're going to fail it. But if you're a recreational user like -- we haven't done the math exactly here -- the rest of America, most of the marijuana will leave your system in 10 to 13 days. So if Uncle Sam asks you to pee in a cup for your welfare check someday soon, find a way to put it off. Oh, and until your rescheduled test date, don't smoke another joint.

Drink, Pee, Repeat
The day before and of your drug test, drink as much water as is possible. Drinking too much can lead to water intoxication -- no kidding. So if it hurts to pee in new ways, slow down.

Color Your Urine
All that flushing is going to leave your pee pretty translucent. So the day of your test, take vitamin B-12 tablets until you get that healthy Mountain Dew color back.

Find a Clean Friend, With MacGyver Skills
Replacing your urine with a clean sample from a friend is an age-old drug testing trick. Be sure the urine is warm -- most drug tests detect the temperature. And it's worth saying that you should be sure your friend isn't, say, pregnant or, worse, actually doing drugs too. Once you have your friend's clean urine, now it's time for the art project. Think Ziploc bags, straws, duct tape, and MC Hammer pants.


Follow The Pulp on Facebook and on Twitter: @ThePulpBPB. Follow Eric Barton on Twitter: @ericbarton.
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81 comments
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Joseph
Joseph

Wow, don't you have anything better to do, than to teach the scourge of our economy how to beat "piss" tests? Next time, give them a little better advice and write an article on how to make responsible decisions in life! Ha! "Uncle Sam might cut off your rent money". Yeah, that would be the money I "donate" from my "working everyday, middle-class" check. I''ll tell you what, I'll give up my right and take a "piss" test, so I can receive FREE food/ cash assistance for my family. Hell, everybody get welfare! Nice article you Progressive Communist Propagandist.

Adam Muth
Adam Muth

Up with hope, down with dope. Drug testing for all.

Jhspooner2003
Jhspooner2003

i dont do drugs .on my job there is zero tolerance ..if there is drugs in the urine ..you are fired.i wont get fired for gambeling hookers or likewise just drugs . hey its 100%  avoidable

Nedmorlef
Nedmorlef

drug testing anyone is wrong under the supreme law of the land the constitution. it's a random search that is politically motivated. we need to ban this witch hunt and get rid of all drug warriors. there wasn't a problem in this country when all these drugs were legal except that, corporations were feeding their low wagers cocaine to make them work longer hours. occasionally the low wagers got tired of being pushed and kicked some ass. so drugs were outlawed so corporations couldn't dope their workers. now the workers want to dope themselves to get through the miserable task of working for corporations and corporations want to intrude into the personal lives of their employers....and uncle sam was all too happy to get in the game. no testing for no one. it's fascist totaitarian control. and anyone that believes in it is a fascist unamerican nazi. no nazis!

Susanrpallett
Susanrpallett

I find it amusing that all of you are acting like cash welfare recipients are getting paid like you would working a job.  I just called the department of Public Welfare here in PA, a family of 3 make 403.00 a month.  If you know any addicts that can support thier habit on that little I would like to know what they are addicted to.  What is the difference between spending it on weed or alcohol?  It is still not used for its intended purpose. The end result is that the Fourth Amendment gives us all the right to feel secure in our persons...and those rights cannot be violated without probable cause.  The fact that ppl are poor is not probable cause,   

Dejac44
Dejac44

The poor remain poor?  If they are  poor they shouldn't be using the money for drugs.  They should be using it to get there life together.  Instead of taking that 60 bucks for a bag of weed for the week they should be taking a class to better themselves.  Yes the poor are sometimes poor because they were born into the welfare system.  But its there parents fault for not taking responsibility to teach there children that hard work and a good education will help you so that one day your not like them  living on welfare.  That one day they can support their own family.  No its easier to sit by and let others do the work while they continue the cycle.   I work 13hrs. a day and am a single mother  and still barely get by but I need a drug test to work my job so that welfare can take my tax money and give it to them? So they can buy drugs?   Seriously??  Eric you call Bman a liberal?  Its not being a liberal its common sense.  We're not talking about the people who are down on there luck and need the actual help.  We are tallking about the people who abuse the system.  You cannot tell me someone who is very capable of working should be allowed to use welfare as a way of life for 10-20yrs. and still sit home all day smoking there weed, snorting whatever it is there snorting now a days.  Its the people like that who take away from the people who need it.  Ya finding a job now a days is hard but you can't tell me it can't be done. Its choices.  Its what you decide to do.  By todays standards I could be considered poor but I still go out every day and do whatever I can to get by.  Why should they be allowed to take that money I work for and could lose if I were to fail a drug test at work but they can sit and do all the drugs they want.  And because they are addicts have no desire to get a job because why?  They might be drug tested.  Common Sense not liberalism. 

Amartin
Amartin

You do realize people are not allowed to use welfare as a way of life for 10-20yrs....Mississippi you have to find a job within 24 months or you loose your benefits, unless you have a qualifing exemption. Even with the exemption there is a 60month lifetime max. And popping out babies to stay on welfare does not work because of the lifetime max. Why not doing a little bit of research before making poor people look like drug addicts. And btw the max amount you can receive per month is $110 for the first person, $36 for the 2nd, and $24 for each addt. In case you can't add, a family of 5 would receive $218 per month. Even a drug addict can't live off $218.

DWB
DWB

It would be nice if people who pay Taxes could elect or not elect to have money taken out for welfare.  So if you are for it then you can pay for others and if you are not for it then you can save that extra money that is not taxed for a rainy day.

Guest Poster
Guest Poster

How about just ending welfare and going back to workfare?

Billd
Billd

Eric..very irresponsible post. But I'm sure you find it amusing. I love also how you think anyone of "financial means" can procure clean urine. First, can you define "financial means" for me? You sound like mommy and daddy paid your way thru things(and out of trouble too, I suspect). Most folks don't think about how to pass drug tests by cheating. This will shock you, but most people don't do drugs(again, have I and millions of others experimented with drugs during college....absolutely. But we realized it was bad for us when we "Grew up"). Also, being tested up front as a condition of being hired is commonplace,from CEO's to restaurant busboys and fast food employees. I'm currently on unemployment, and would gladly accept drug testing as a condition of receiving benefits. Liberals puzzle me, they really do...you want the government to basically take care of every aspect of our lives,yet don't dare set guidelines. That smacks of someone who was given everything by his parents,with no strings attached. Now I'm not a psychiatrist..I just play one on the internet. And, as Dennis Miller says, "That's just my opinion, I could be wrong". But Freedom of Speech is a beautiful thing, and I know you don't have a problem with me disagreeing with you,right?

me420
me420

Sure-gel, Gatorade and water works

Lukasfyrefury
Lukasfyrefury

Cancelling Welfare, Food Stamps etc would be best now that i think about it...  If you don't work, you don't eat!

Lukasfyrefury
Lukasfyrefury

I'm not against smoking a little pot. Heck so did the Founding Fathers. However, if you don't have a job and your eating up tax payer money obviously your not respectful nor responsible enough to be doing it in the first place. I'm an ex-pot smoker myself, did it back in high school. However, i work my butt off. People on Welfare do not. From my understanding Welfare is crap pay anyways. If you can afford Pot then your getting too much money off of people that do work for a living. It's just plain wrong and very selfish! If your doing hard drugs then you have a serious problem. I'm hoping these people that do do these hard drugs don't have children. It's a shame. It's also a damn shame you Liberals are trying to protect these people. You have no morals at all!

Christopher Kennedy
Christopher Kennedy

ya know its ridiculous that people work so damn hard to beat a drug test when the smart option is DON'T DO THE DRUGS. it's that simple. it doesnt take a rocket scientist. and whether you agree with testing or not how are you going to help people defraud whoever is demanding the test? this wrong in so many ways, you people are the reason everyone hates the first amendment. you make me sick!!!!!!

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Do your research
Do your research

Here's a solution to the budget issues, the drug testing issues and welfare. Legalize and regulate all drugs. The evidence and data supports the legalization and regulation of ALL drugs. There is even a movement among police officers and doctors. All this arguing is pointless when the issue isn't the testing. The issue is the laws concerning the legality of what we can put into our own bodies.

Juan
Juan

I think you are all missing an obvious solution.....simply discontinue welfare

zbeast
zbeast

When I was foolish enough to take drug test's for work. I no longer accept any job that requires crap like that. what I would do is take water pill's and then drink 32 oz tea... Don't after a couple of wee's your clean.

Danielle Elizabeth Ramirez
Danielle Elizabeth Ramirez

If you need to be on Welfare, you shouldn't have the money to buy ANY drug even if it's weed. And if you're receiving benefits, you should be grateful that you're being helped and go by the rules. The end.

Milton E Findley
Milton E Findley

I don't think we should be taking money from the U.S. Treasury and handing it to folks who are going to turn it over to the folks smuggling drugs across our borders so that they can use it to finance their war with the government of Mexico. 

SD
SD

If you go apply for just about any job where you can make descent money you are required to take a drug test before you can even start work. So I think it is perfectly reasonable to require a "welfare recipient" to have to take one....after all us "working" people who support them have to take one so it only seems fair that they should to recieve our "taxing paying dollars"...SD

SpadeIsASpade
SpadeIsASpade

What about the fact that the drug tests cost money. Lots of money. That just HAPPENS to be a business the criminal in the Governor's mansion makes millions off of?

Milton E Findley
Milton E Findley

Drug tests are actually pretty cheap, depending on what you are screening for and how you are doing it.  The main effect of requiring drug testing will be accomplished by simply saying that you are going to be tested.  That, in itself, will change behaviors of the majority of the recreational users.  Those with bigger issues will be found, no matter what they try, sooner or later. 

Gay Mikell
Gay Mikell

They are NOT stoppin anyone from gettin $$. All you have to do if you test positive is designate a "clean" friend or relative to accept your check!! Of course the taxpayor has to pay for the 2nd person to be tested, also! This publicity stunt is costing taxpayors Millions!! Slick Rick is NOT advertising the "rest of the story"!!!!

Iglukyfjty
Iglukyfjty

thanks new times!i passed my drug test today 

Realist
Realist

I would bet my next paycheck that 99% of the people opposed to drug testing for welfare are either: un or under-educated, un or under-employed, receiving some sort of govt. handout (welfare, medicaid, food stamps)  are part of the liberal mob, or just generally stupid. just listen to their arguments. f-ing ridiculous.  Here's the thing. i am a well-paid primary healthcare provider. spent many many years in higher education. and, I like to smoke weed occasionally, recreationally, never while working. see, thing is, i've earned my right. I pay well over $30,000 yearly JUST in taxes, and ill be gawd damned if some lazy azz bastards want to cry about having to take a drug test for their govt cheese welfare check. Just wait and see how many of these assholes get booted the first week.  I feel sorry for their kids, but honestly, they've probably got a much better shot at life in a foster home. Oh by the way, I spent years in pharmacokinetics, so im in a pretty good position to say that the techniques listed above are a crap shoot, at best. And no, eric, not everyone in america smokes. 

DannyEvarts
DannyEvarts

Guess what .. Apart from your uneducated and false generalizations ...I bet I pay more in taxes than you, I am probably better educated than you, I work my ass off non-stop, and I am against this drug testing. Why? Because it actually COSTS the taxpayers money to do these tests (money that goes into the pockets of Rick Scott through the testing company—he's a master of receiving government welfare for himself), the facts and numbers do not support the idea that those on welfare are constant drug users, and state workers are being forced into it as well. And it is both costly and pointless, and unfairly targets citizens based on their income level.I do believe, however, that if those on welfare should have to do these tests, then anyone else that receives government money should have to, as well. This includes all politicians, all public workers, all those who work for corporations that receive government handouts (especially defense companies), all PRIMARY HEALTHCARE PROVIDERS (as you say you are) who receive any payment through any government program, etc., etc. How is it different? You are doing drugs with MY money.Now, how American is that intrusion?I believe the taxes I pay should go to those who actually need it, and that we shouldn't accuse those who need it of being worth less than others or imply they're all drug addicts. That line of thinking is not only idiotic, but a sign of lack of compassion and intelligence.And also guess what ... I'm not too chicken shit to hide behind a fake name. Unlike you.

SpadeIsASpade
SpadeIsASpade

Seriously... are you trolling or just that much of an asshole?

Holly_key
Holly_key

I just came across this article while researching this subject. And I must say that I work in a laboratory that performs Toxicology testing and none of these methods stated WORK, except for the using someone else's pee part. But even then, there are protocols that we follow as collectors to keep that from happening. We know all the tricks.Why is it a big deal to get drug tested before receiving welfare. I mean, if you cant afford food or rent, you can't afford drugs anyway, right? I get drug tested for my job, why is it different?

Cherylgripp
Cherylgripp

ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? THEY CANT AFFORD FAKE PEE BUT THEY CAN SPEND MY TAX DOLLARS ON DRUGS????  HOW ABOUT THOSE OF US WHO WORK 11 HOUR DAYS TO SUPPORT OUR KIDS??

KAY
KAY

I commend you for writing this article in the spirit of resistance to stepping further on the poor and downtrodden. The big financial crimes are way up the corporate and political food chain... this is just another way to deny services to the poor basically. Smoking pot? Not a crime.

Kandice
Kandice

Dont be ignorant. The point of the law is to say "if you have enough money to buy drugs then you should have enough money to pay your bills WITHOUT government help" And smoking pot IS a crime because IT IS illegal. its not fair I give the government money for some idiot to buy drugs when I can't afford to buy myself health insurance and just had to pay $500 out of my own pocket for 3 stitches on my hand! 

Trevor G.
Trevor G.

Tell me Kandice, why is pot illegal again? Oooohhh, that's right, it was because of posters like "Marijuana makes the blackies think they're white!" popping up everywhere during the time period because logging companies were going to go out of business from hemp products. Not because it's a poison like alcohol or has enough chemicals in it to glow in black lights like some cigarettes, but because a man was willing to tell the public about "facts" that played on fear. Smoking pot is a crime, but shouldn't be, which is what the person you replied to was trying to insinuate. Instead of telling others about how ignorant they are, try being less ignorant yourself.

Haloisn
Haloisn

Seems like u need a job with better health insurance!  a lot of people smoke socially therefore not even paying for it. Shoot they could be doing alot of other things to get the money as well, tricking, stripping or just have a job where they don't make alot of money!

Kandice
Kandice

I dont understand the point your trying to make about strippers?

Kandice
Kandice

Sometimes in life you have to take the things you CAN get and live without the things you cant. If you haven't noticed there aren't that many jobs available now a days so I choose to keep the one I have even though I don't have health benefits I at least am collecting a check. Thats better then some people have right now and Im grateful for that. There are a lot of people in worst situations then me and I would rather pay out of my own pocket then take from a government program for help when others need it more then I do. 

Kandice
Kandice

According to an article I read not only will they be testing your urine they will test your blood and hair. So since you are such a genius how do we clean out the traces from our blood and hair?I know in certain situations the government isn't all that smart but Im sure they thought this one through and will take measures to insure someone isn't cheating the system...Wingnut isn't the word I would use DUMB ASS sounds better. THANK YOU for wasting more of my money with this article. Obama is already shoving a stick up most of our butt's because he doesn't know how to properly manage. We don't need idiots like you either

Russ33534
Russ33534

takes one to know one Kandice... and GW shoved that stick up your butt...DUMBASS

Kandice
Kandice

Wow such a child... Why don't you make educated statements so people actually care about what you say instead of chiming in when its not needed

AwwwMan!
AwwwMan!

Here we go with Obama!  I am sitting here trying to figure out how in the HELL is someone suppose to clean up a trillion dollar mess someone else made, in 2 years?  Ah, he can't!  The average american with debt way less then that can't even clean up their own debt in two years!  so exactly how is Obama going to clean this mess up in 4?  IJS! I have also been on and off food stamp for about 15 years, and I just so happen to partake in occasional weed smoking.  I am a tax payer and have been one for 18 years.  SXo I am actually using the money I have put in the system for years.

Kandice
Kandice

I agree he cant clean up others messes so quickly but he is contributing to more money being spent that isn't needed and thats making things worst.

Did you ever think that maybe if you didn't buy drugs you wouldn't need to be on food stamps?My brother spends at least $100 a week ( x4 weeks) on booze and cigarettes for him an his girl but complains about being broke and living in the ghetto.Thats a lot of money literally going down the toilet. I have no pity for people that make destructive choices in life. If thats the way someone chooses to spend their money then thats their choice but the rest of us shouldn't have to pay for itMy brother technically shouldn't need food stamps. It cost me $50 for a weeks worth of food for my husband and I. Its all about self control and sacrifice of dumb things and making healthy life choices

Brokeislagurl252
Brokeislagurl252

I bet half of the people speaking out against this have never seen abusers of welfare. My sister in law's sister is an addict and she constantly gets welfare and blows it all on drugs. Did I fail to mention she has a son who she claims responsibility for even though he lives with his grandmother? He doesn't get a dime of that money. She blows through it so quickly that she will then resort to hanging out at the gas stations telling a sob story about how she ran out of gas and needs money (while her eyes are red and glazed over.) Everyone else in America has to do a pre-employment drug screening and there are just as many people on medications on or off welfare. Welfare is a temporary (for some) solution to unemployment...it takes the place of or supplements those whose income is just not enough. The least they can do is drug test. It isn't fair that 95% of the working class has to do a pre-employment drug screening as well as randoms in order to be hired or receive a paycheck. Stop your belly aching and grow up! The good people who really do need welfare and are trying to support their kids will do what it takes to receive support. This shouldn't be a problem for those actually supporting their families, it would be the same as drug testing for a job.

Raul Rolon
Raul Rolon

So why have you not turned her sorry ass in to DCF or the police; perhaps your aiding a abetting!! 

Hu Flung Poo
Hu Flung Poo

Here's a clue - if you're going to live on the backs of taxpayers, don't do illegal drugs.

Raul Rolon
Raul Rolon

Or work for the government, or be a civil servant, a cop, a firefighter; they all live of my tax dollars, who is going to tell them they have to be tested.  They do not even like mentioning that they are paid by taxpayers(by taxpayers I mean ppl who actually work & sweat for a living, not the ppl that are always crying about cutting taxes, those folks usually live of the sweat of others)

Raul is a fucktard
Raul is a fucktard

Youre an idiot. Military, cops, hospital employees, city, state, and national government employees...............all get tested.

Holly
Holly

They do get tested.

puck30
puck30

I know somebody who works for my town's Road maintenance , he gets tested. I get tested in my job. A lot of places test you per pre-employment. I don't want it to be a federal thing but if states want to do it, that's up to them.

I have to live by it to get a check.

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