On Jeff Greene's Yacht, There Are Five Simple Rules

By Thomas Francis Thu., Aug. 12 2010 at 11:39 AM

Categories: Celebrities, Florida

The yacht where Florida's Senate candidate offered celebrities a chance at redemption.

Senate candidate Jeff Greene has taken a beating in the national press this week for all the mayhem that has occurred aboard his 145-foot yacht, the Summerwind. Former heavyweight champ Mike Tyson told Sports Illustrated that he spent one of the most debauched periods of his mega-debauched life aboard Greene's yacht during a 2005 European party cruise. Tyson describes a night in Amsterdam with a "big rock of cocaine" and naked women cavorting on the yacht with rugby players.

In a statement this week to Politico, Greene insisted he has a "zero tolerance policy" for drugs, meaning that Tyson must have smuggled the cocaine boulder onto the boat. Based on what we know of Greene's yachting history, we can make an educated guess about at least four other rules in his yacht's zero-tolerance policy.

A zero-tolerance policy for carnivorous nonhumans over 300 pounds: If Greene had not taken a tough line on this rule, then -- as anyone who has seen The Hangover knows -- Tyson would have also invited his white tiger aboard. It's widely known that the exotic creatures enjoy a rugby scrum and an eyeful/mouthful of human flesh.

Lindsay Lohan catches some rays aboard Jeff Greene's yacht.

A zero-tolerance policy for discrimination based on sexual or legal humiliation: Some yacht owners are too stuck up to risk being caught hosting such disgraced ladies as Heidi Fleiss, Paris Hilton, or Lindsay Lohan. Not Greene. When Fleiss is Greene's guest, she's not the former Hollywood pimp to the stars; she's a "businesswoman." Hilton is not a serial sex-tape maker, just as Lohan is not a drug-addled, probation-violating headcase. Rather, they're "friends." And just so it's clear, Greene isn't a hard partier; he's just hypersensitive to the plight of fallen celebrities. As he says on his website:

One of the things people should know about me is that I believe in redemption. I always do what I can to help someone who is down or hurting.

Instead of Summerwind, maybe the yacht should have been named Redemption. Or just: Rehab.

A zero-tolerance policy for coral reef: Jeff Greene's been clear about "putting the people of Florida first." Coral reef is not people. So why is everybody so upset about the Summerwind's anchor plunging through one of the most incredible coral reefs in the world, off the coast of Belize in 2005?

A zero-tolerance policy for political regimes that suppress human rights: Because for all the scandal that came from Greene's yacht making a 2007 stop in Cuba -- in violation of the embargo -- there's no evidence that either Fidel Castro or his brother Raul boarded the yacht. Rather, the evidence shows that there was just a whole lot o' vomit on board, which made it hard to be downwind on the Summerwind. Let the dirty commies clean it up!