We've felt some of the hottest temperatures of the year during this past week -- some pure meteorological brutality. Conversely, we've been rewarded (punished?) with some of the coldest air conditioning imaginable. Lucky for us, the local dailies keep dishing plenty of entertaining stories, most of them serving as an important reminder: It's not the heat, it's the stupidity. It seems to have a nasty stranglehold on a certain town to our north. Observe:
- Two dogs, two men. Then, suddenly -- one dead dog, one hole in the leg.
How's that for a nightcap? Shortly before midnight, two dog-walking dudes crossed paths in Palm Beach Gardens. The dogs, as dogs sometimes do, began fighting. To rectify the situation, one man pulled out a licensed weapon and shot the other man's dog -- and also, the other man's leg, producing the aforementioned hole. [Palm Beach Post]
- If you recall the hipster bandito caught on camera preying on a Boynton Beach Bank of America last week, you can sleep easy knowing he and his fedora (trilby, whatever) won't be making his ham-fisted withdrawals at your branch anytime soon. The robber, 18-year-old Andrew Wright of Palm Beach Gardens, was turned in by his own father over the weekend. Also busted was 24-year-old Michael Jeczalik, whose folks similarly called police... after they saw their son and Wright "banging out a bank-robbery note together."
Hey, the Juice knows how much fun it is to get your glue-stick, your little scissors, some of mommy's Ladies Home Journal
s or Better Homes and Gardens
, and cut and paste those GIVE US ALL YR MUNEY stick-'em-up notes, but we learned long ago not
to do them at the kitchen table -- that's what "Do Not Disturb" signs and bedrooms are for. [Sun-Sentinel]
Oh, reporter Andrew Marra sneaked in "barely legal" to describe the baby-faced Wright, who may want to choose a less-identifiable getup next time.
- This headline has South Florida written all over it: "Murder suspect charged with attempting to hire hit man from jail." One can just imagine the righteous indignation, coupled with the sting of betrayal: "What! You mean the guy I trusted to kill four witnesses to my wife's murder was an undercover police officer?" The audacity. The unmitigated gall. What should have tipped off Munawar Toha, suspected in the April 5 murder of his wife, was the bargain-basement pricing involved in his little witness-removal program.
Gang, here's what Toha expected for a mere $6,000:
* Two witnesses deported.
* No, screw that; just kill all four.
* Can you dump two of 'em in the Everglades? And for the other two, can you just make it look like a robbery? Thanks!
* Oh, and when you're done, can you get three people to say it was one of the dead guys on that videotape that implicates me in my wife's murder? You can? Awesome!
If Toha really thought he could get a pair of people deported -- let alone murdered -- in South Florida for only six grand, well, it's been a while since dude's seen a menu. [Sun-Sentinel]
- Clearly not falling in the stupid category is this tale in the Miami Herald that carries a palate-cleansing headline designed to drive the dumbness away: "Trapped manatees rescued from dead-end love affair." What's funny is that it wasn't a pair of star-crossed sea-cow lovers who ended up in "a canal that was no longer navigable." It was a whole mess 'o manatees. Actually, it's a feel-good story with a really happy ending, as a Florida Fish and Wildlife spokesman recounts a nine-guys/one-girl manatee humpfest he saw last June. "Not an uncommon thing," he said. Hey, who are we to judge?