Budget-Cutting Sheriff to Free Criminally Insane

Amid a renewed budget battle with the County Commission, Broward Sheriff Al Lamberti has said he has nixed his plan to shut down the stockade and instead will loose upon society the jail's "criminally insane" population, a purge he promised would include "rapists, murderers, and other ne'er-do-wells." 

"These inmates not only require incarceration but also very expensive psychiatric care," Lamberti announced yesterday on the side of Interstate 95 at the scene of a fatal car accident. "The cost is enormous, not to mention the fact that these guys are absolutely no fun to be around, especially in a confined area such as a jail. A lot of my corrections officers are really fed up with having to deal with them."

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Lamberti acknowledged that most of those officers will be laid off after the criminals are loosed upon the public. (At right is a photo illustration from BSO depicting what an insane inmate might actually look like). When asked how his agency will determine which inmates are truly insane, Lamberti described the process BSO will use to choose which inmates are set free. 

"Three factors, really," he said. "One, do they look criminally insane? OK, check. Two, do they act criminally insane? Check. And three, have they committed or been accused of committing any insane crimes? If the answer is 'yes' to any two of those three questions, then that inmate will be jettisoned immediately."  

He said he expects some 500 inmates to fit the bill, saving the county some $10 million in the first year. When told of Lamberti's pronouncement, Broward Mayor Stacy Ritter seemed to take it in stride, even offering to allow a portion of the released criminals to board in her Parkland home and on her husband's yacht. 

"Do we like this idea? No," Ritter said. "But [Lobbyist] Russ [Klenet] and I have sympathy for ex-cons, even insane ones. Our old friend Joel Steinger is a chronic criminal, but that didn't stop him from contributing to society. For instance, he renovated our home and gave my husband lots and lots of money for me to go shopping with. If only one criminal did all that, think of what 500 might be able to do. It's mind-boggling to ponder."

Shortly thereafter, though, Ritter seemed to have second thoughts. 

"Yeah, well, come to think of it, Joel was kind of a creep," she said. "Let's have a workshop. Ilene? Ilene?"

[Someone suggested that today was a slow news day to start September. He was right. So I decided to do what some my small smattering of critics allege that I do on a regular basis: Make some shit up. The article above is the thoroughly stupid result.]



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