A Juice Economic Stress Test: How Are You Weathering the Recession?
From where are you reading this blog post?
1 My butler is reading it to me. I prefer his British accent to the sound of the voice in my head.
2 I'm using my new Mac Book computer, of course.
3 I'm at work, using The Man's computer.
4 I'm using my Mom's / Dad's / Son's / Daughter's computer. We're living together again!
5 I'm in the public library, where I have another five minutes of computer access, so you better make this snappy.
1 It was either Bova Prime or Forte di Asprinio.
2 That place that's on (or near) A1A.
3 Technically, it was in a strip mall, but it was one of those fancy strip malls.
4 One day I said, "Screw it! I'm going to a restaurant with actual servers." I left a 10 percent tip.
5 One day I said, "Screw the Dollar Menu! Give me that meal named after a numeral, good sir!"
Name the last place you went shopping for clothes.
1 Probably Bal Harbour Shops.Then again, I may have purchased an item or two while in Manhattan or while I was abroad.
2 It was in South Beach or maybe in Miami's Design District.
3 Sawgrass Mills, CityPlace, Town Center, or Aventura Mall. I remember it was huge, vulgar, and local.
4 I can't even remember, frankly. Does the Gap still exist?
5 Let's see. I was working at a dot-com, and I was stressing about the Y2K bug, and I thought, well, if anarchy's coming, I'll need a comfortable pair of pants... Actually, I'm wearing them now!
Where is the money you've been counting on for your retirement?
1 I have a diverse portfolio, but the lion's share is in a Swiss bank account.
2 I'm already retired. I planned so well that I can spend my Social Security check at the casino. Keep toiling, Gen-Xers!
3 It's somewhere in the market, floating belly up.
4 Considering the advancements in medical technology, I'm pretty sure I can work till I'm 80. And now that Obama's allowing stem-cell research, maybe even 90. But first I've gotta get a job with benefits.
5 Was real estate. Now? Florida Lottery.
Where did you watch your last movie?
1 At home, on a screen eight feet wide or more.
2 At a movie theater, of course.
3 At a movie theater, but we thought twice about it. I mean, $12 tickets? (We'll also accept "Netflix" here.)
4 Some website that pirates them from China. If you squint and get right up to the screen, it's like being in the theater!
5 On a VCR.
Why have you been putting off that health care visit?
1 Because I'm presently aboard my yacht and we forgot my doctor on the mainland.
2 I haven't. I'm a big believer in preventative medicine.
3 I'm just too damned busy! Someone has to do the work of those who've been laid off.
4 Because I'm fine! Besides, the health care industry is a racket. They exaggerate the need for care so they can get rich. Or at least that's what the infomercial tells me.
5 (Answer unintelligible, due to tubercular cough.)
How much for your kidney?
1 How much for yours? I collect them -- just because I can.
2 You can have this kidney when I'm done with it. See? Organ donor!
3 $1 million
5 I've already sold one... but what the hell! $100.
Where do you shop for your groceries?
1 Ask my personal chef. That's his department.
2 Whole Foods
5 The Dumpsters behind Nos. 2-4.
What is the total number of holes in the socks and shoes you're wearing right now?
1 They grow holes?
2 Oh, come on! It's not that bad, is it?
3 OK, there's one. But I just noticed it. Don't look at me that way. I can afford footwear!
4 Two or more, but do you see how much they're charging for footwear these days?
5 Two or more, but I place the blame squarely on the original owner of these socks and shoes.
From what print media do you get most of your news?
1 Wall Street Journal
2 New York Times
3 Miami Herald, Sun-Sentinel, or Palm Beach Post
4 Sometimes, on the way to the classified section, I see a headline that catches my eye.
5 Sometimes, while stashing clothes in a New Times bin, I happen across an article by those pithy SOBs.
10 points: Thanks for playing, H. Wayne Huizenga!
11-15 points: H. Wayne's friends, I'll wager.
16-20 points: Wealth and job security? You lucky bastard (or bitch, as the case may be).
21-25 points: So you retired and got out of the market before the crash?
26-30 points: You have a good job, but you're a little anxious that it might not last.
31-35 points: You have a good job, but now that friends have been laid off, you're terrified of losing it.
36-40 points: You have a shitty job, and you're terrified of losing it. You're beginning to hoard.
41-45 points: The ax fell, and you're in full-hoard mode.
46-50 points: Be brave, my friend! Obama hears your prayers.