V-Day Sex Tips from a Sexual Surrogate

Attention boys and girls! It's that time of the year again. A time for everyone to bask in the mass consumerism of a holiday that seems like it was created just to make a few people feel like shit while everyone else gets laid and eats chocolate (or oysters). If you're in the first group, here's some good news: St. Patrick's Day is only a month away, and you'll be able to drink your lonely problems away soon. 

If you're one of the lucky folks who will be having sex with a human partner this weekend, congratulations. But now comes the hard part (yeah, pun very intended). Not that you should feel any pressure or anything, but nobody wants to disappoint a lover on Valentine's Day--as opposed to the other 364 days of the year, when you didn't spend a lot of money on things that will be dead or digested in a week.

And because the Juice likes to provide a service to the community (intended again), we've solicited sex advice from an expert--a professional sexual surrogate. "Catherine" (not pictured above) is trained and certified by the Los Angeles-based International Professional Surrogate Association. Though there were dozens of surrogates in America in the '70s and '80s, she is the last surrogate working in Florida. (More info on surrogates here.)

Jump for a few tips the sexual surrogate has assembled from her "personal archives." 

You've sent flowers. You've had dinner. You've had drinks. You've exchanged fantastically expensive gifts (or a sexy glance). Now it's time, as Dwight Schrute would say, "to enjoy making lovemaking."

"I like to celebrate Valentine's Day at home with my honey," our surrogate says. Here are a few ideas that worked for her over the years:

Getting Wet

"Ladies, before your man comes home (or after you've sent him on an errand), why not have the traditional candles lit, but this time wear a wet T-shirt (sans underwear)."

Getting Whipped

"Honey, why don't you meet me in the bedroom? Oh, and bring that can of whipped cream with you!"

Getting Feathered

"Blindfold me and use a feather all over me."

Getting Fed

"Feed each other grapes, chocolate, strawberries, all while blindfolded. Very erotic."