Brides Fight it Out Like Clever Animal Analogy, Manatee Sneaks on to Golf Course

If there's anything I've learned from TV news, it's that I've got to tease you, the reader, about upcoming things in this blog. So coming up, snakes attack at Wal-Mart! But first, a manatee tries to sneak into a golf course! And even more first than that, brides in Palm Beach Gardens fight it out on a golf course for the attention of headline writers!!!

Yeah, the brides were like that.Phew, I may be exhausted from typing all those exclamation points, but I'm not so tired that I can't write at least one hungry animal

Yeah, the brides were like that.

analogy about how 150 brides fought it out at PGA National for a free wedding. The golf course put the pack of brides around a putting green, where a free wedding was hidden in one of several gift bags. An air horn sounded, and then the brides went at the bags like a pack of hungry beagle puppies to a bag of Purina. I clearly need to work on my TV news-style analogies.

After the jump, a wild manatee threatens the sanctity of marriage by invading a golf course!

Manatee Exhausted from Golf Outing

Biologists on Friday pulled a manatee out of a North Palm Beach golf course pond. The poor sea cow traveled through a culvert to get there and was exhausted from its efforts to find a free wedding in a gift bag. But don't get all, "Oh, what a cute manatee," or, "I wonder if they taste like fish or beef." Because you should fear animal attacks, TV news has taught me, and if you don't keep reading, you'll never know how to protect your family from Wal-Mart snakes.

Bargain-Hunting Rattler Bites Man

A guy who was bitten in a Pembroke Pines Wal-Mart is suing the retailer after he was bit by a rattlesnake in the garden department. Now it's hard to make a wild animal analogy to this, since being bit by a rattler in Wal-Mart ought to be an analogy to something else. Besides, the guy wasn't exactly too traumatized by the snake, considering this line from the Associated Press article:

But he's been back to Wal-Mart several times, saying their prices are too good to shop elsewhere.

So I guess if I were to get all TV news about this story, I'd write something like: A guy who really likes bargains on stuff made in China was the victim of a shocking snake attack at Wal-Mart. Sorry about the lack of excitement in that sentence, but I seem to have broken my exclamation point button.