Local Head Lice Experts Scratch Heads Over The Onion; Catholic Church Discovers Legal System

The staff of The Onion might have had a good laugh about this fake story about lice infecting the U.S. Senate, but Lice Solutions Resource Network Inc. of West Palm Beach says the article makes light of a very serious problem. Katie Shepherd, the resource network's executive director, says she once had to take an emergency flight to D.C. to help treat a lice infestation. She had been called there to help the family of a lobbyist, an infestation that most of us would simply call karma.

Shepherd explained the seriousness of the problem in a press release:

"I've seen moms hospitalized for nervous breakdowns after failed attempts to rid their family of head lice. While out shopping, I once ran into a past client. When she saw me she started crying."

On vacation with the Baron.

Now, my first reaction to that quote was to take comfort in the fact that I'm not alone, that there is someone else in the world who also makes people cry on sight. But then it occurred to me that Katie Shepherd and her nervous-breakdown-plagued moms simply need to check out my head lice remedy, pictured at right.

Nothing is more diligent against nervous-breakdown-inducing head lice than Baron Whiskers Friskilator IV, my head-perching cat. Sen. Kerry, if you've still got an infestation, I'll let you borrow the Baron. Watch out, though; he's got fleas.

After the jump, the Palm Beach Diocese also has an infestation of... dramatic pause... period button seems to be stuck... priests!

Priest Convicted of Theft, Diocese Learns Lesson About Legal System

Jurors yesterday convicted Father Francis Guinan of stealing from his parish, and the diocese responded by issuing this press statement. It included this line:

While respecting the rights of the accused, and not wishing to interfere with the criminal process, the diocese is relieved that the jurors were not swayed by the inaccurate presentation of the defense.

If there's one thing the past decade has taught us, it's that the Catholic Church doesn't want to interfere with the criminal process. And that they want to see their priests brought to justice. And that catholic priests are slightly better than a serious infestation of head lice.