Morning Juice: Lauderdale Exports Panhandlers, Local Madoff Broker Fights The Man

Categories: News
ritalin.jpgIf there's one thing you don't hear enough about, it's that Fort Lauderdale has the best panhandlers this side of Calcutta. I mean, Miami may have more guys with clever signs at busy intersections, but ours have that little aggressive something that makes them special, that lets you feel that feeling of, oh Christ, roll up your window.

In fact, Fort Lauderdale panhandlers are so good that now we're exporting them. Panhandlers dressed up as members of the military were recently spotted in Bonita Springs. They said they had been dropped off from Fort Lauderdale and would be stranded there if they left their posts. You see? You see the kind of dedication Fort Lauderdale panhandlers have? God bless you, guy who makes us pretend like we haven't noticed you.

After the jump, one thing we're not exporting is brokers who know shit about Bernie Madoff.

Broker Fights Madoff Investigators, Shows Panhandler-Style Balls

Palm Beach broker Robert Jaffe could know some inside information about Bernie Madoff, but you won't catch him leaving town to tell investigators about it. Authorities in Massachusetts have been trying to get Jaffe to testify in the investigation about Madoff's Ponzi scheme, but Jaffe keeps waiting until the last second before telling them he won't show up. And then, get this, his lawyers say he thinks it's too far to travel. And, oh, this is priceless, he also won't allow them to come to him. Jaffe, if this broker thing doesn't work out, you'd sure make one hell of an aggressive Fort Lauderdale panhandler.

Suspect Nears 200th Arrest, Fears Madoff Competition

A 46-year-old carjacking suspect was arrested for his 190th time in the state of Florida. And while crime is a tragedy and stuff, it's worth pointing out that Henry Farrell has just 10 more arrests to go to break 200! Farrell should probably get cracking on those crimes, because Bernie Madoff is catching up.

Most Voters Favor Allowing Gays Same Rights As Panhandlers


A new poll shows that most voters want to repeal a Florida law that forbids gays from adopting. Apparently, Floridians think it's a bit odd to live in a state where gays can't adopt but your average Fort Lauderdale panhandler can. Then again, apparently 45 percent of respondents think that having gays raise children is scarier than, say, the guy holding that sign about needing money for beer. Now those people make me want to roll up my windows.

My Voice Nation Help
0 comments
Sort: Newest | Oldest

Now Trending

From the Vault

 

Auto

Loading...