Morning Juice: Forgotten Orioles Leaving, Ninja Thieves Franchise Begins?

Categories: News
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An excited fan of the Fort Lauderdale Ninja Thieves!

Orioles May Leave, Opening Door for Thieves

Team officials for the Orioles snuck out of Broward County yesterday for a secretive meeting with Lee County leaders. Over lunch at a Perkins, they discussed the possibility of the Orioles moving to Fort Myers after this year. Now, sure, I know what you're saying, which is something like, "Wait, the Orioles play here?" And yes, I didn't know that either.

But there's a silver lining here. If the Orioles leave town, that means they'd make room for the new minor league baseball team, the Fort Lauderdale Ninja Thieves. This is a team inspired by the "Ninja thief" who stole an ATM machine yesterday while dressed up like a portly ninja. The team needs some basics, like players and funding and such, but H. Wayne Huizenga, give me a call, because after selling the entire South Florida sports franchise, you're the perfect man to head up the front office for the Ninja Thieves' inaugural season. Go, Ninjas!

After the jump, meet players for the new Fort Lauderdale Haters!

Supporters of Palestine and Israel Agree: They Don't Like Football

Rival protesters took to the streets of Fort Lauderdale yesterday to shout about how the Palestinians and/or the Isralis are child-murderers, oppressors, friends of Dick Cheney, and should be wiped off the planet. The protest took place on the same night that fans across town watched the Florida Gators win the national championship. Thus the protesters earned the label as the Worst Fucking Football Fans in the World.

I-Team Investigates Case of Missing Cockroach Egg Rolls

Channel 12's I-Team asked this important question last night: Are You Dining At A Dirty Restaurant? And then the I-Team answered it's own question: No, you're not. They came to this conclusion by visiting the Shangri-La Chinese Restaurant, which had recently been cited for something similar to serving cockroach egg rolls. But turns out that when the I-Team got there the place was clean, so, whoops, turns out your egg rolls are cockroach-free. Next week, the I-Team discovers you're not paying too much for your car insurance.

Citation-Issuing Foremother to Clean Up Ninja Thieves

If you Ninja Thieves fans out there are also fans of Palm Beach County Commissioner Mary McCarty, you'll be sad to know she admitted to her crimes yesterday and expects to face jail time. This is especially troublesome for fans of McCarty's historical reenactments. According to this article in the Sun-Sentinel:

McCarty dressed as a city "foremother" and walked around town issuing "punishments," such as mock citations and jail orders, to those who weren't following commands.

McCarty, I'm guessing, will likely get community service hours, which she can spend helping the I-Team look for cockroaches at the Ninja Thieves concession stands.

-- Eric Barton


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