Morning Juice: Florida Gators vs. Howard's Mustache, Scions Go to Europe

^{That's quite a soup-catcher.}

Thank You, Howard's Mustache

The University of Florida will play in the national championship football game next month in Miami. This is big news that comes in very handy, considering this is a football-themed edition today, which, beyond this sentence, will not include the words booyah or back, back back. I will, however, rhetorically be asking, Are you ready for some football? Which, if you went to FAU, you'll appreciate, because it was announced yesterday that somehow the 6-6 Owls will play in the Motor City Bowl. This selection is being credited to the power of Owls coach Howard Schnellenberger's mustache, represented above in a still life and an action shot.

After the jump, Charlie Crist asks the entire European Union if it is ready for football, and the EU says yes, as long as Howard Schnellenberger's mustache will be there.


^{Mr. Tuner Kid goes to Washington.}

That's Crist in the Lowered Scion

Florida Gov. Charlie Crist is taking some grief for going on a $430,000 European vacation at a time when the state has a $2 billion deficit. But consider the fact that Crist took a football team-sized staff with him, which I appreciate because it helps to tie things back to the sports theme of this post. Now the articles on Crist's trip don't mention everyone who accompanied him, so I'd like to imagine that it's South Florida's best ambassadors, tuner kids, who could've zoomed their Japanese imports through the halls of Buckingham Palace until Prince William agreed to buy several bags of Indian River citrus. It's probably the neon undercarriage lights that did it.

Stop Passing Notes, Kid in Section 125, Seat 4G

Broward County school leaders are considering asking Barack Obama for a federal bailout package, which, on its face, seems like a decent idea. But what they've got wrong here is the approach. Helping schools? That's as boring as watching a regular-season NBA game. What they need is new concourses, luxury boxes, and a retractable dome. Let's ask Barack for a new Broward County schools sports arena that can teach our children they way God intended for them to learn, on the Jumbotron.

Manatees Make Good Tight Ends

Rescuers in Key West are trying to capture a manatee recently spotted with propellar injuries. There's not much to say about this story, except that the manatee is listed as probable for this week's game against the 49ers. Booyah! Whoops.

Below is a video that reenacts the rescuers' attempts, but only if you can imagine the manatee as a dophin who had its own German sitcom in the '60s.




-- Eric Barton