Memo to Michael Beasley: Please Don't Eat Dog Feces

^{Howdy Ho! If the Christmas poo gets too close to the Heat this team's gonna blow.}

The Miami Heat need forward Michael Beasley to light up the scoreboard if they're to have any chance of making the NBA Playoffs, which is what makes this report on Beasley's recent bout with the flu so alarming:

"The only thing I can think of was it's from my dogs," said Beasley, who has three. "I've had them for like seven or eight months, though. But I think it might have come from them. I've been around them a lot."

Well, Dr. Beasley, there is no known case of a dog giving a human influenza. If you're positive that you became sick from dogs, and if your symptoms were flu-like, then this article suggests you have a case of roundworm, which is contracted through oro-fecal contact. Now I'm not saying that you've been eating dog shit. That would be disgusting. Maybe you're just juggling it? Or playing checkers? However it happens, you definitely want to wash your hands thoroughly before diving into a batch of buffalo wings.

-- Thomas Francis