Morning Juice: Hearse Joyride Ends Without Jump, Bikini-Clad Teacher Helps Local News

^{An acceptable way to end a car chase.}

Hearse Joyride Has Lame, No-Jump Ending

Johnny Silfrain just doesn't know how to end a joy ride. Cops say Johnny stole a hearse from outside a funeral yesterday in West Park, took the thing on a joyride, and then drove right back to the funeral. Now, see, if there's one thing I've learned from action movies, it's that all joyrides need to end by jumping the stolen car between two sections of unfinished highway. Instead, cops say they shot Johnny and then arrested him in the church full of mourners.

Johnny not only skipped the highway jump scene, but he ignored his other option: a comical ending where Johnny Silfrain becomes a celebrity for his hearse joyride business, only to be dogged by the fact that he's got a corpse in the back of his ride. It's like Weekend at Bernie's meets Taxi, or, how it would be known by critics, the worst movie ever envisioned.

After the jump, more comical ways to develop a second job, including helping newspapers find news stories that give them an excuse to post bikini-clad photos online.
 


Teacher's Bikini Helps Local News

A Port St. Lucie teacher got shit-canned recently for her part-time job of serving as bikini-clad eye candy on a deep-sea fishing charter. This is  unfortunate for the teacher, but for news agencies, her story presents the chance to provide video and photo slideshows of a teacher in a bikini. Refusing to follow the news pack on this one, I've posted instead the above photo of my side business: Lothar the Magician. I'm available for birthdays, Bat Mitzvahs, and deep-sea fishing charters.

Channel 4 Discovers What Can Make TV News Worse

Channel 4 has discovered a way to combine the insulting nature of Jay Leno's "jaywalking" with all of the knowledge of a poorly written Wikipedia page in a segment titled "What's Worse?" It begins with this paragraph:

What's worse for your family, a loaded gun or a swimming pool? Things you might think are worse than others may not be.

 
Next in the segment: What's worse? Drowning in a swimming pool or watching Channel 4? The answer at 11 will not surprise you.

-- Eric Barton